Observations On The Vikings’ Draft… A Week Later

23 overall, WR, Laquon Treadwell, Ole Miss

The pick fills a need.

Does it matter that Treadwell ran a slower time at the Combine? I don’t know. Troy Williamson. That’s all I’ll say because he makes all Vikings’ fans want to stab themselves in the hand with an ice pick. The funny thing is, we’d still be able to catch a ball better than Williamson.

(Oh, burnnnnnnnnnn.)

Side-note: I have a Williamson jersey. I bought it after a 100-yard game he had against the Panthers. I’ve made a lot of bad investments. Fantasy sports.  Creatine that I still have from 2011. Alcohol. Trading cards. This jersey ranks No. 1.

I’ve always been a big fan of you know, just like watching players play football and stuff and seeing if they are good. But I realize college football and the NFL are totally different.

It doesn’t seem like too long ago when Treadwell was considered a top-10 pick, so getting him at 23 is a steal.

Plus, the dude handled himself like a total professional after being drafted. Maybe he didn’t scream and shout, but he brought his daughter to the stage and I don’t know the guy, but he seems pretty mature and responsible for someone who was born in 1995 (my god I’m old).

With him and Stefon Diggs, you’re giving Teddy Bridgewater some options. That plus playing indoors puts Bridgewater on the hot seat more than anyone.

54 overall, CB, Mackensie Alexander, Clemson                          

Does he spell his first name wrong? I don’t know. I ate Doritos for dinner last night, so I’m not here to judge anyone.

The biggest concern is that Alexander didn’t have any interceptions last season. That’s fair. But from everything I’ve read, he didn’t let anyone catch a damn ball either, which is pretty important as a corner, my sources tell me.

The Vikings are deep at corner with Xavier Rhodes, Trae Waynes, Terence Newman and Captain Munnerlyn. Rhodes is a stud, but Newman is getting older, Captain has been up and down and the jury is still out on Waynes.

According to Pro Football Focus, Alexander was the fifth best pick in the draft? What does that mean? I DON’T KNOW BUT WE LOVE STUFF LIKE THIS SO YAY!

121 overall, OT, Willie Beavers, Western Michigan

I don’t know anything about Willie Beavers besides the fact that his name is really awesome or really unfortunate. I can’t tell yet.

It sounds like Beavers is more of a project than anything. He’s probably not going to be a guy who contributes anything this season, but probably next season when Matt Kalil signs with the Cardinals and is awesome.

Personally, I would have liked the team to go after someone who could help win now, perhaps a safety, but you also have to look 12 months down the line. Probably the smart move, not necessarily the sexy move, similiar to wearing your jacket to the bar in the winter.

160 overall, LB, Kentrell Brothers, Missouri

In the fifth round, the Vikings snagged inside linebacker Kentrell Brothers. Not a huge fan of this pack, but then again, I didn’t watch Brothers play one down in college. I’m basing all of my information on what others tell me and whatever I dig up on the internet.

Brothers ran a 4.89 40-yard dash, which ranked 27 out of 31 linebackers in the draft, so that’s not promising. At all.

He did have 152 combined tackles last season playing in the SEC, though, so maybe there’s something. Probably a special teams guy at best.

180 overall, WR, Moritz Böhringer, Germany

GET YOUR No. 81 JERSEYS OUT!

Was this a “gimmick” pick? Maybe, but who the hell cares? It was a sixth-round pick.

There’s the unknown because he’s from Germany, but most of us have some German in us and we turned out OK.

If Boehringer played any other position, he would have been picked higher. The dude ran a 4.43 40-yard dash and had a vertical jump of 39 inches (close to how tall you need to be to ride the Wild Thing at Valley Fair).

According to NFL.com, Boehringer is a “hand catcher” which seems like a good thing to be.

He hasn’t played football for that long, but that might be a good thing. As Ben Franklin once said, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

And you’d much rather keep Boehringer than deal with Cordarrelle Patterson for another year, right?

A friend of mine who went to the University of Tennessee told me that the Vikings were getting one hell of an athlete with Patterson, maybe the best he’s ever seen.

“But he’s going to drive you absolutely crazy. Just kind of does whatever he wants.”

Ding, ding, ding!

#TeamBoehringer

188 overall, TE, David Morgan, Texas-San Antonio

This is the only photo I could find of Morgan. If this picture is any sign on his future with the team, well, I don’t like his chances. With Kyle Rudolph, MyCole Pruitt and Rhett Ellison still under contract, I really don’t like his chances.

But he was the first University of Texas-San Antonio player to to be drafted into the NFL. So yay!

Still waiting on Tim Riggins.

227 overall, OLB, Stephen Weatherly, Vanderbilt

Weatherly can play both outside linebacker and defensive end and in today’s NFL, that’s important.

According to NFL.com, his NFL comparison is Quanterus Smith and I don’t know who that is.

This might not end well.

244 overall, S, Jayron Kearse, Clemson

His uncle is Jevon Kearse, so he kind of already wins.

But read this note from NFL.com:

“He’s a big guy, but he just doesn’t make many plays. You see him out there just drifting around sometimes and you just wish he had the same attitude and fire that the rest of that defense has because he could be so much better. Do you draft him on traits and hope your coaches reach him?”

Hope your coaches reach him? Did you just double dare Mike Zimmer? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DOUBLE DARE AND MIKE ZIMMER ACCEPTS!

He probably won’t make the team, but it’s worth a try, especially since he will have a little bit of familiarity with Alexander.

That’s all I’ve got, friends. Talk to you soon.

 

Sweet 16 Predictions | In Buddy We Trust

Kyle’s note: Before reading this, remember that none of this reflects the opinions of the Minnesota Timberwolves. This is all me.

Now, let’s roll.

I watched three games of NCAA basketball this season and two were at The Barn to watch the Golden Gophers play and while I trust Richard Pitino to turn the program around, I’m not so sure I can even count those two games.

So yeah, I watched one college basketball game prior to the tournament. But definitely keep reading this column. I definitely know what I’m talking about.

Two of my four brackets are still alive, which is probably better than most people. Michigan State still has Mateen Cleaves crying his eyes out while scrolling through photos of Tom Izzo on Google Images.

And West Virginia, well, I don’t know anything about the Mountaineers besides the fact that a man named Kevin Pittsnogle played there.

Pittsnogle is now a car dealer in his hometown of Martinsburg, West Virginia. The more you know.

Here are my picks for the Sweet 16 games:

THURSDAY NIGHT

Villanova over Miami

This is mostly because Jay Wright is what I strive to look like in 20 years from now. Very unlikely, but we can dream. Wright said something in his last postgame press conference that he and his best player, Ryan Arcidiacono, don’t even really talk because they are always on the same page and came from the same area.

Not talking to your best player doesn’t seem like the best move, but whatever, go Wildcats!

Oklahoma over Texas A&M                              

Okay, let’s just get this out of the way. The only reason why Texas A&M is in this game is because every kid on Northern Iowa was kissed by a band of Dementors with less than a minute left in that game.

I’m a fan of Buddy Hield. I’ve watched highlights of him all year and man, is he fun to watch. You’re wrong if you think the guy can just shoot threes. He had a sick hesitation move against VCU that gave everyone in the bar an ‘oh shit’ look. And the good ‘oh shit’ look. Not the ‘can I use the bathroom please?’ look.

The only bad thing is that the Sooners will only go as far as Buddy brings them. If we’ve learned anything about college basketball, that’s normally not a good sign.

In Buddy We Trust.

Kansas over Maryland

It seems like every expert I listen to/read is picking the Jayhawks to win it all.

But Maryland has like two or three NBA prospects on its squad, which seems like it’s a useful thing.

Maybe the Terrapins can win?

Hell, what am I talking about? The Terrapins lost to the Gophers. Kansas by 50.

Duke over Oregon

Rooting for Duke is like rooting for the Yankees. You generally have no reason to do so unless you have the weird urge to make everyone hate you.

I have a friend/co-worker and his favorite teams are the Green Bay Packers and the Yankees.

Well, isn’t that unbelievably convenient?!

He’ll claim that he’s a fan because his dad is. My dad would much rather watch a hunting show than any sporting even besides wrestling. I go deer hunting once a year and normally fall asleep in my stand.

You can change history, Sam.

Watching Grayson Allen and Brandon Ingram scares the hell out of me if I’m on the Ducks. And then you add in guys like Plumlee XI rolling to the basket and Luke Kennard taking “I HAVE BIG BALLS” shots.

This isn’t your typical Duke team, which actually might be a good thing.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Virginia over Iowa State

Virginia is a very boring team to watch, which is exactly what coach Tony Bennett wants. Defense, defense, defense. Rooting against anything from Iowa (besides my friends Preston, Alli, Steve and Mike) is pretty easy to do.

Iowa is out. Northern Iowa is out. Iowa State, you’re next.

Iowa? More like Byeowa.

(My God. I’m sorry for that.)

Wisconsin over Notre Dame

My girlfriend went to Wisconsin. That is all.

Gonzaga over Syracuse

After all these years of picking Gonzaga to go far, here they are, finally doing it as an 11 seed. The son of Arvydass Sabonis seems like a pretty good player. You can’t take anything away from Syracuse. Jim Boeheim and company are in the Sweet 16, but the path hasn’t exactly been Fury Road. Dayton and Middle Tennessee State aren’t exactly wins that have us dreaming of the ‘Cuse ‘Melo dayz.

Somewhere Adam Morrison is licking his mustache.

On a sidewalk.

North Carolina over Indiana

This is a hellish matchup for the Tarheels and thoughts and prayers go out to John Calipari and the Wildcats. Playing the Hoosiers in the second round is a tough matchup.

I have North Carolina winning it all in one of my brackets and I’m afraid because this might be its toughest matchup of the whole tournament.

Let’s look at it:

If the Tarheels win, they’ll play Notre Dame or Wisconsin. They will then go onto play Virginia, Gonzaga, Iowa State or Syracuse. I mean, who out of that group are you super afraid of besides Virginia?

Give me the Tarheels in this one, but if the Hoosiers do win, don’t be shocked if they make a run to the championship.

What am I doing for the games tonight? Barley sodas. Couch. And opening basketball cards with my roommate.

I’m 25.

March Madness indeed.

The Bachelor Recap | Ben Has Created A Monster… Himself

Where to begin.

If you’re reading this, you watched this week’s Bachelor episode. If you haven’t, well, I’m not sure how you watch and read about your shows, but I think you’re doing it wrong.

Let’s start with Caila.

Caila

You feel for her. You really do. And you kind of think that if she would have been the third date, Ben would have dropped the love bomb on her and everything would be fine. But she didn’t get the third date. Now she’s at home. Or making fake houses in a puddle of her own tears.

I thought Caila’s date went extremely well and it kind of signified what relationships are like. Caila was a little off to begin and then opened up throughout the date. It seemed like Ben’s dates with Lauren and JoJo went perfect, but it was kind of cool watching Ben and Caila’s relationship develop throughout the episode and the last few weeks.

A few observations from Caila in the episode:

  • Good for her for going out of the car to ask Ben if he knew before their overnight. That pretty much tells us that Ben and Caila did some Cinemax late-night stuff on their date, but it seems like most contestants just go “what if I didn’t do this” or whatever. It didn’t seem like Caila had any regrets.
  • She’s a smiling laugher which only adds to my belief that she’s a little bit insane.
  • I still thought there was a chance after JoJo’s date that Caila would stay. When Caila came to surprise Ben, 30 minutes remained. SO MUCH CAN STILL HAPPEN! But nothing really did. Caila walked into her own death trap and it wasn’t like how Leah did it earlier. Leah was not a very good person. I think Caila is. She legitimately thought she was going to see her future husband and he would be excited to see her. Well….. Again, this is your weekly reminder that Caila broke up with her previous boyfriend BECAUSE SHE SAW BEN ON TV!

Here’s to hoping Caila will be the Bachelorette so we can see her dad’s sick-ass orange pants again.

Lauren

She’s gotta be the favorite here, right?

Was I fan of her red dress at the rose ceremony? No.

Do I think she should wear her periwinkle dress wherever she goes? 100% yes.

The two saved turtles or some shit which seems like the most boring date in the world.

Lauren was the second to tell Ben she loves him. Ben kissed Caila after she told him. Ben told Lauren that he’s been in love with her for a while now, something that wasn’t exactly surprising to anyone. All the girls have been scared shitless of Lauren throughout the entire process and they get to see more than us. There’s a reason for this.

Lauren keeps telling Ben that he’s her dream guy. She’s selling herself short here. She’s good looking, comes from a solid family and doesn’t seem to be waving the crazy flag. We aren’t sure on her personality but everyone in the house (minus Leah) seemed to like her.

Ben is whatever. He’s a good-looking tall guy who says “like” a lot and is about as much fun as a flat football. I’m also convinced that females think 70 percent of tall men are attractive.

Lauren is probably going to win.

JoJo

If JoJo is the first date, does Ben tell her he loves her? I don’t think so.

What I think happened:

Ben told Lauren he loved her. Producers were like “oh shit, Ben. What are you doing?!” after that and encouraged Ben to maybe feel the same way about JoJo and maybe tell her on their date that he loves her. If he doesn’t, the show’s pretty much over, right?

I’m not sure how Ben can get over JoJo’s crazy family.

Dad: Looks like he’s probably killed someone before and looks like nobody else in the family.

Mom: Has had at least 23 plastic surgeries and looks like nobody else in the world.

Brothers: The worst-case scenario for any incoming boyfriend.

JoJo was forcing it in this episode, but it worked. She knew she had some work to do after the mostly disastrous hometown visit.

Sidenotes: I’m probably in the small percentage of guys out there saying this, but she might need to invest in bigger swimsuit tops in the future. Actually, her overall fashion could use some work. And this is coming from a guy who wears mismatched socks almost daily and only has two pairs of jeans. I also wore nothing but Vikings jerseys in third grade. In related news, nobody wanted to be my Valentine.

My prediction (based on some of the teasers): Ben picks Lauren. Starts crying about hurting JoJo. Calls JoJo on the phone to tell her that he will always love her as a friend or some shit like that.

Ben

You’ve created a monster, Ben. Yourself.

The man who was afraid of being unlovable was told on three consecutive dates that his whole life has been a lie.

After the first date, he was able to contain it. Maybe it was too good to be true. Maybe he heard her wrong. But then Lauren said to him again and he couldn’t stop dropping the L bomb.

The episode was an all-around disaster for Ben. He came out rocking a terrible pink shirt. He couldn’t stop sweating throughout the show. And the producers thought it was a good idea for Ben to climb an ancient pyramid that could fall at any time in flip flops.

He opened the episode saying, “I think I could fall in love in Jamaica.”

Well, mission accomplished! Twice! Now you’ve got a damn mess on your hands.

That’s all for this week. Next week, we’ll go through pros and cons of Lauren and JoJo.

I love you.

Bachelor Power Rankings | The Kids Aren’t All Right

 

This is going to be short and sweet. I have to leave in 29 minutes for a cabin weekend.

Let’s get to it.

First off, man, you gotta feel for Amanda, right? But at the same time, there never seemed to be any real connection with Ben and Amanda. She always seemed like the girl he would go to for advice with another relationship of his. She also probably learned what shirts are and aren’t OK for the beach. They could have made a 30-minute episode called, “Will Amanda’s top fall off?”

Goodbye, Amanda. The Final Four was impressive. I’m also a big fan of the name Kinsley, so good work there.

Now, for the rankings:

1.) Lauren

She’s probably going to win. Her sister seemed like she was flirting with Ben, so that’s a bit concerning. But when he was asked about how he felt about Lauren, he started crying. That seems pretty damn telling.

I don’t really have much else to say about Lauren. We’ll see what happens next week, but she’s the frontrunner.

2.) Caila

What a jump Caila made this week. Ben said it was his deepest connection or some shit like that (I don’t have time to look over the film). That was super surprising. Maybe it’s because much of their time has been edited out, I’m not sure.

The two seem to have a very good connection. Her mom and dad seem cool and supportive, and they are rich, so that helps. Her mom is rocking braces. Props to her. And the dad wears orange pants and kind of gives me the willies, but he’s a CEO, so he’ll make more money than I ever will. No judging here.

I just want to see Caila face some adversity. Out of the final three, she’s really the only one who hasn’t yet.

3.) JoJo

She got roses from her ex-boyfriend. I’m no Dr. Phil here, but it doesn’t seem like she should have been as upset about it if she didn’t still have some feelings for this Chad guy.

I think she fell because I’m not sure Ben wants to deal with her two brothers. And I don’t blame him. Her mom is the real MVP even though she’s had more plastic surgeries than (think of someone who has had a lot of plastic surgeries).

My prediction for Monday: JoJo gets eliminated.

Sorry on the short post. As always, thanks for reading. I’m super pumped for Monday.

20 Reasons Why Winter Sucks

I was bored. So I wrote this.

I’m ready for winter to be done with. And then never come back again.

  1. It’s cold.
  2. Things are icy and you’ve probably embarrassed yourself recently by falling down in front of a group of people. At least one of those people laughed out loud. You fake laughed. And then secretly hoped you could see someone else fall to feel some satisfaction.
  3. You got new shoes? Too bad. The snow, mixed with dirt and dog shit is going to ruin those shoes. Sorry.
  4. You gain weight. Oh, I can wear a baggy sweater or sweatshirt every day? I think I’m full, but my shirt isn’t tight yet, so… This is a real thing. You’re the guy wearing a t-shirt on the beach in June, regretting all those late-night Cheez-Its you ate. This was a big issue in college for the singles. Is that person good looking? I can’t tell. Why are they wearing a sweatshirt the size of my comforter? WHAT’S GOING ON UNDER THERE?!
  5. You have to scrape your car. My god. The noise of the scraper going against a window is the equivalent of being trapped in a closet with Sia being played on repeat for 27 hours.
  6. If you have to park on the street, you have to move your car when there’s a snow emergency. From 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. the first day, you must park on the right side of a side street. From 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. you must move it to the other side. And after that, you must park 18 blocks away from your house.
  7. You’re definitely going to lose one glove.
  8. Do you live in an old house or apartment? It’s going to be eight degrees or 104 degrees. There’s no in between.
  9. Shoveling snow is a thing and it’s horrible. “Hey, Kyle. Go out and shovel the driveway while we watch television. Sounds great, parents!” Full disclosure: I was a pretty out-of-shape kid, so any sort of exercise was pure torture.
  10. Exercising becomes more of a chore. In the summer, you could just run outside. In the winter, yeah, you can run outside if you want.

“It’s the perfect texture for running. Very low impact.”

We can all agree she deserved that.

 

  1. Everyone gets sick. And then you run out of tissues and start using paper towels and then the next day your nose and upper lip look like you just went down face-first on your bike into shards of glass.
  2. You lie to yourself. Oh, snowmobiling is “fun” even though we’ve been stuck 12 times and my feet are freezing. And yeah, it’s a “great” idea to drive your vehicle on a frozen lake. And then drill a bunch of holes in it to go ice fishing. Yep, totally safe.
  3. Your skin gets super dry. I feel uncomfortable covering my body in lotion, but hey, welcome to winter.
  4. The air hurts your face. And if you think there’s no difference between 15 degrees and -5 degrees, well, STFU.
  5. You don’t want your ears to freeze, so you wear a hat. But that hat makes your hair look like shit for the rest of the day. You can’t win.
  6. New Year’s Eve is in the winter and it’s possibly the most overrated holiday there is. Halloween is a close second, IMO. Paying a $40 cover to a bar, standing outside (in the cold) waiting to get in and then waiting another 50 minutes per drink isn’t fun. Give me some of those Cheez-Its and pop on “Definitely, Maybe” and we’re good to go.
  7. Right when you think winter is over, it snows three feet in March.
  8. Beards are cool during the winter. Unless your beard is patchy and isn’t actually a beard at all. It’s a neard. Neards are not cool in the winter.
  9. Everyone becomes a horrible driver. Everyone either drives four miles-per-hour or 92. There’s nothing in the middle. And the first snowfall of the year, my god. We go through this for at least five months during every year. This isn’t anything new.
  10. All hockey fans tell me that I would like hockey if I just understood it. I understand it. And I don’t like it. Leave me alone, puck heads.

That’s all I have. Bachelor power rankings coming soon.

 

The Final Four Bachelor Power Rankings

Before we get into this week’s rankings, let me just tell you a little story.

I flew to Toronto on Thursday for All-Star Weekend. I joked to the two coworkers going with me that I’ve never lost my bags before.

And then Air Canada lost my bag because I’m an idiot and you should never say things like that out loud. It’s just a basic rule in life. You could actually make the argument that I deserved to have my bags lost. I wouldn’t disagree.

My bag was delivered to my hotel room about 18 hours later.

Five days later, we were scheduled to fly out of Toronto at 2:50 p.m. We would arrive in Minneapolis at 4:05, giving me plenty of time to prep for “The Bachelor.”

But then our flight got delayed. And delayed again. And then one more time for fun.

We finally took off at 6:30. But the damage was already done. I was going to miss the first half of my show. I even tweeted at Air Canada, but apparently my mother runs their Twitter account.

I apologize for the delay on the power rankings. But don’t blame me. Blame Air Canada.

  1. JoJo

JoJo has emerged as the favorite. She’s not my favorite, but she seems to be Ben’s, which is really all that matters.

Ben and JoJo’s date at Wrigley Field was almost too hot to handle. There is definitely a huge attraction there, but apart of me is still pretty certain 20 percent of JoJo is batshit crazy. We know for sure that one of her brothers is. The previews gave that away.

JoJo is cool and chill. She seems genuine. Her special talent is making a 3-leaf clover with her tongue, so she’s probably into some stuff.

I feel like something is going to happen soon, though, that’s going to be full of drama. It might be the brother thing. It might be something else. I just have that feeling. And let me tell you, when I have that feeling, there’s a 79 percent chance I’m wrong.

  1. Lauren

She’s my favorite. Fine, I’ll say it. Whatever. She seems nice, she’s good looking, she rocked that blue dress on opening night and she knows who Paul George is.

My favorite moment comes from when that biotch Leah tried to throw Lauren under the bus. Lauren was legitimately confused and hurt. Everyone knows that feeling. Everyone’s been accused of something they didn’t do and when that accusation comes along, you’re confused, hurt and nervous. More than you probably would be if it were completely true.

Her and Ben’s date was fine. Not super sexy, but it was cool to see her look comfortable in front of a bunch of kids.

Breaking news: Relationships aren’t just sexy dates with expensive wine. In fact, most of the time it’s not that. Relationships are more Netflix and Cheez-Its than Netflix and chill.

The date was a good one, but I think Ben still has what Leah said in the back of his mind. It would be hard not to. You want your partner to be able to get along with other people. And after getting somewhat blindsided by Olivia, it’s easy to see why Ben would have concerns.

I hope this all works itself out and Lauren advances to the finals.

  1. Caila

This was tough. You could flip Caila and Amanda if you wanted to.

Things Caila has going for her:

  • Same job as Ben.
  • Killer smile.
  • Was fine with a naked Kevin Hart in a hot tub with Ben.
  • Ben called his last date with Caila one of the bests of his life, even though it was super confusing and I had no idea what Caila was talking about.

Things Caila does not have going for her:

  • We don’t really know her, do we?
  • She hasn’t put herself out there like the rest of the ladies have.
  • I haven’t seen her drink yet.

Caila is going to need to separate herself from the field and stop being so boring. Right now, we just don’t know enough to know if she’s right or wrong for Ben.

Again, I’ll remind you that Caila broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on “The Bachelorette.” There is some crazy in there. She just needs to let it out.

  1. Amanda

Amanda was one of my favorites going into the season. She’s super nice. But the whole mom thing is an issue that will be brought up in the next episode.

She has two kids. These kids aren’t Ben’s. It’s the mature thing for Ben to think that he can handle the kids and he’d probably be a great father. But is that what he wants? Most 26-year-olds aren’t about hitching their wagon to a buggy full of baggage – with two kids in the backseat.

Amanda got a rose on the 3-on-1, but let’s be honest, Caila was super awkward on the date and you could tell Ben already knew things weren’t going to work with Becca.

This was a short post. My apologies. I wanted to make sure I get this up before the weekend.

As always, thanks for reading.

Bachelor Power Rankings | WTF Olivia

 

This week’s Bachelor episode ended in “To Be Continued” which I hate. This is the Netflix era, ABC. You can’t do us like that.

Spoiler: Ben sent Jubilee home because she sits like a crazy person.

The episode ended after Amanda and Emily told Ben that Olivia is a bully. And props to them. I think it was Emily who asked whether or not she could love someone who can have feelings for someone as horrible as Olivia. And that’s a legit question. Especially for a show like “The Bachelor.” We aren’t used to that.

This is the show that had a Bachelor who said, “Es OK” 20 times an episode.

Without delay, here are this week’s rankings. Enjoy.

1.) Lauren B.

Ben and Lauren B. made out at least four times this week. He took her away from the girls for what seemed to be at least 20 minutes, or enough for Lace (miss you) to get absolutely shitfaced.

I’m not sure if Ben likes it or not when Lauren B. says things about being with him forever, meeting his parents and adopting Amanda’s kids. But things seem to be going great with these two.

(OK, she didn’t say one of those things.)

Side-note: Lauren B. is 5 feet 7 inches tall. WUT? She looks like she’s a foot short The internet doesn’t lie, though.

Yes, I’ve read all their bios.

I’ve also noticed Lauren B. is genuinely pleased when someone else gets a one-on-one date. That’s probably because she knows she has this shit locked up already.

2.) JoJo

JoJo was pretty chill in this episode. She wore a Beetlejuice top at what was supposed to be the rose ceremony and we confirmed that her and Becca are the only two people on the show that drink beer.

Despite having a minimal role throughout most of the episode, JoJo did the right thing when grabbing Ben after he dismissed Jubilee. We were all expecting Olivia to pop out and starting complaining about her damn cankles again. Good for JoJo.

3.) Amanda

I just want to know how Amanda looked so damn flawless when she woke up at 4 a.m. for her one-on-one date? It takes me at least three hours after waking up before I look like a human being. Then again, that probably has to do with the eight glasses of wine I had last night.

Amanda is sweet. Her last husband was a scumbag. And her and Ben’s date didn’t include a hot tub. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Or maybe an intern dropped the ball.

Props to her and the other girls for ratting out Olivia. If one girl does it, you never know how Ben would have taken it. But two. Well, we could be on our way to sending Olivia home.

Question for you: Is Amanda’s voice annoying or sweet? I can’t tell.

3.) Caila

Not much to report on the Caila front. She needs to get back into the game somehow, though.

Reminder: Caila admitted to breaking up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben ON TV. Again. That is something you should never, ever admit. It’s like telling someone you collect hamsters who has never met you before. Or like farting on the first date. Just hold it in.

4.) Becca

She drinks beer and she’s still a virgin. That’s pretty much it out of Becca-land.

5.) Lauren H. 

I still don’t know what to think about Lauren H. She’s not at all like the other girls. She’s a lot like JoJo in the fact that she just doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thinks. She’s kind of nerdy and definitely got good looking at a late age. She doesn’t act like a “hot girl.”

Yet, I’m not completely sold that Ben is attracted to her. She’s got everything together, unlike some of the others, but it doesn’t leave much mystery.

The fashion show was fun and Ben’s hair looks much better with some volume. Do with that advice what you will, Ben Higgins.

The real question is if a contestant can win after dressing up like a chicken for a talent show. Huge obstacles to overcome. I once missed 14 free throws in a middle school basketball game, though, so anything is possible.

6.) Olivia

My God. Olivia is the worst.

And she’s 23 years old. Think about how much you’d hate her if you worked with her. You would definitely have side email chains going on with coworkers. This is also your opportunity to feel extremely old and worthless.

I’m 25 and I had Cheerios for lunch. I’ve definitely got my shit together.

With Olivia, it’s not necessarily just that fact that she’s a giant, well, you know. She’s insecure (cankles, toes). She has bad breath. She looks into everything.

“Ben grabbed my waist. It’s a sign.”

STFU. No it’s not.

And with all of that, it looked like she was going back on top of the power rankings after getting a rose from Ben (over Lauren B.). But then Emily and Amanda snitched on Olivia and shit hit that fan. We think. We all have Olivia on the bottom of our mental rankings, but the “To Be Continued” leaves some mystery. We don’t know how Ben reacts to this. In a podcast I listen to, Ben admits that he has no idea what is going on behind the scenes during the season. He’s off by  himself until the dates.

Just something to consider. Olivia is the worst, but Ben probably doesn’t know that yet.

7.) Jennifer

I want Jennifer to be higher. She seems nice and like she has a good sense of humor, but we really don’t know anything yet. She spoke up a little to Ben this week. Maybe a one-on-one next week?

She certainly needs it.

8.) Emily

Emily won’t win, but she beat out her twin sister, so she’s already a winner in mom’s book.

She did a good thing throwing Olivia under the bus, much like she threw her sister under the bus.

But then there was the awkward conversation with her sister on the phone. Was she crying? Was she laughing? Was her sister like, ‘Yeah, umm. Remember when Ben picked you over me in front of mom and our fat dogs? I don’t want to talk about this.’

I would also like to know what her new occupation is. Former twin? Twin killer?

9.) Leah

She’s an intern, right?

It kind of speaks to how little he felt for Jubilee considering he’s keeping around Leah, a person I’ve never seen him talk to yet.

That’s all I’ve got this week. Talk to you folks next week.

Bachelor Power Rankings | “I Like Hot Dogs”

I left this episode with more questions than answers.

This column is late because I decided to watch the Cavaliers and Warriors game instead of “The Bachelor” on Monday night which was definitely one of the worst four decisions I’ve ever made in my life. In retrospect, I would rather watch the soccer match from episode three than the Cavs and Warriors. Just kidding. That soccer game looked like pure torture for any spectator. I’m sure Alex Morgan had an absolute blast.

This episode marked the goodbye of Lace. Lace went from being the crazy alcoholic in the first two episodes to someone you actually felt for in episode three. Good for her for leaving for those reasons – if those indeed are her reasons. If it’s because her publicist told her to leave because it would increase her chances of being the next Bachelorette, well hell, that’s a pretty good reason, too. And props to her for quoting her tattoo. That takes heart.

Without further delay, here are this week’s rankings.

1.) JoJo

“But Kyle, she didn’t even get a date this week. How is she No. 1?”

Welcome back, imaginary reader. I’ve missed you. That’s true. JoJo didn’t get a date, but she actually benefited from it. Lauren B. had a date with Ben, and it was fine, but it was also pretty vanilla. Jubilee had a date, but we are starting to see that she has many layers of craziness.

JoJo didn’t cry. She hasn’t freaked out yet. She’s just kind of doing her thing like a normal person would. Props to JoJo. I sense big things coming from her.

Also, I really wish the “The Bachelor” producers thought a little more and put someone named K-Ci on the show. Next time.

2.)  Lauren B.


Yes, this date was pretty vanilla. There didn’t seem to be a lot going on, but that might be a good thing. You get the sense that Lauren B. is still trying to figure out if she can love Ben, which is a reasonable thing to figure out considering she just met this guy two weeks ago.

A few observations on this date:

  • A hot tub in the middle of the field? What the hell? I still can’t  make coffee and these guys are putting a hot tub in the middle of a damn field. SMDH.
  • Lauren B’s dad is the ultimate dad. Loving that lawn.
  • Someone named Lucy Angel played for Ben and Lauren B. in a barn. Who is Lucy Angel? Based on musical guests, Ben is way more about Caila than Lauren B.

3.) Olivia

Ugh. She is so unlikable. AND SHE HAS BAD BREATH AND GROSS TOES. So she’s pretty much the worst.

She got the last rose and I don’t think that’s anything to look into. Maybe to show the other contestants that it’s still an open race. And Olivia telling us that Ben grabbed her waste a little bit when he gave her the rose… Stop looking into shit like that. That’s like trying to translate what a smiley face meant when your crush sent it to you in 9th grade.

It means nothing.

For an attractive woman, Olivia makes some pretty frightening faces. Coming from a former newscaster, that’s kind of odd.

Her worst moment from episode three was when Ben told the contestants that he lost two members of his community. Who were these people? I don’t know. But the first person to pull him aside was Olivia, because of course it was.

Instead of being like, “Ben, I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything you need, I’m here for you.”

Instead she starts balling about her cankles and how she hates her lower body (there’s a slight chance this was an edit, but I’m just going to pretend it wasn’t). My God lady. It looks like she’s going to have a breakdown next episode which should excite all of us.

Also, “News Olivia” has better hair than “Bachelor Olivia.”

4.) Jubilee

For a person with so many layers, it’s kind of weird that she likes hot dogs. Such a basic food for such a sophisticated woman.

Jubilee is awkward, but also kind of funny. It works because no other girl on the show has really shown any personality at all. I’m not sure if the personality is right for Ben, but it’s refreshing to see for him, I’m guessing.

Did she overreact when she cried after Amber (ugh, Amber) wanted to bring her to the group to put her on the hot seat? Maybe. But that is kind of a shitty situation to be thrown into.

“Hey, Jubilee. Come here. We’re all going to tell you what we don’t like about you! It’ll be fun!”

I don’t think she’ll win, but it spoke volumes when Ben stuck up for her in the bathroom.

5.) Caila

Caila was a non-factor in this episode, besides when she cried to JoJo about the thought of Ben dating other women on the show. Because, you know, THAT’S WHAT THE WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT.

If Caila wouldn’t have said that she broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on “The Bachelorette,” she would definitely be in the top three.

6.) The Twins

I don’t know their names. I’m not sure Ben does either, because he calls them off back-to-back during the rose ceremonies as if they can’t be separated. I know that one is a really good soccer goalie and one is sneakily funny. Maybe that’s the same twin. I have no idea.

7.) Jennifer

We don’t know much about Jennifer yet besides that her and Ben made out randomly in episode two. Just a hunch, but she’s someone to keep an eye on.

Random thought: If I was the Bachelor, I would drink all the time, play video games and watch sports. This would be real-life training for all the contestants.

8.) Becca

We learned nothing about Becca during this episode, so I’ll just copy and paste what I wrote last week.

What do we know about Becca?

She was on the last Bachelor. She claims she’s a virgin. And she was sneakily really good at basketball in the last episode.

Something’s up here… If things don’t work out, are we looking at the next Bachelorette?

9.) Amanda

Amanda took a big fall from being No. 3 last week.

When Amanda told Ben she was there to talk if he needed them, I got a huge ‘friendzone’ or ‘mom’ vibe from her. And trust me, I know a thing or two about the friendzone. I lived in it from 12 to 22.

Ben might be unlovable. But after not dating for three years, is it possible that Amanda has no clue what she’s doing?

I hope her kids liked the hair clips the intern made for her.

10.) Leah, Rachel

Yeah. No idea really who these people are. I just know Rachel is 23 and unemployed, which makes her relatable to every 23-year-old person watching the show.

11.) Lauren H.

I published this and forgot to mention Lauren H. So whatever. Here she is.

This isn’t a great sign for you, Lauren. FYI.

12.) Amber

She’s the worst. She’s 30. And that’s fine. But she includes herself in all of these stupid games. You don’t have to attack Jubilee when you both have roses. Probably not the best sign when Ben stands up for Jubilee when Amber was in the bathroom telling Jubilee how horrible she is. Ben was basically like, “Yo Amber, gimme that rose back.”

She’ll be gone next week.

That’s all I’ve got this week. Talk to you cats on Tuesday.

NFL Divisional Round Picks | Do The Steelers Have A Chance?

Kansas City at New England

Are the Chiefs good? I have no idea.

Any team that wins 11 straight games in the NFL is probably pretty good, but the only really impressive wins the Chiefs have on their resume are against the Steelers in Week 7 and the Broncos in Week 10.

And guess what, KC fans? Those weren’t really all that impressive now that we look back. The Steelers were starting Landry Jones.

The Broncos had Peyton Manning, but Manning threw four interceptions on 20 attempts, leaving the game with a foot injury.

Again, 11 straight wins is something you can’t take away from any NFL team. And how the hell does a team get better after losing its best player (Jamaal Charles)? It’s happened to the Seahawks, too, and I don’t understand, which is probably why they are professional athletes and I ate Cheez-Its for dinner last night. It sounds like Jeremy Maclin will be out, so maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know anymore.

This will be the biggest test for the Chiefs. It sounds like the Patriots will have Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski back, even though there’s a 120 percent chance Gronk won’t be able to walk in 10 years.

For any other team, inserting guys back into the lineup would be problematic. Maybe the team presses too much to get him involved in the offense. For the Patriots that won’t be problem because they’re the effing Patriots. This is what they do. Put in the popcorn boy at wide receiver and watch him rack up 120 yards. Jesus. It’s almost unfair.

This is a tougher game to pick than it appears, but I don’t see Tom Brady and the Patriots losing at home. It won’t be a blowout because Kansas City’s defense is too good and I’m not sure if New England’s is.

Patriots 28, Chiefs 24

Green Bay at Arizona

Man, we really underrated how good Jordy Nelson was, huh?

Randall Cobb is a nice player, but he’s not a No. 1 guy and Davante Adams (who isn’t playing in this game) might be Aaron Rodgers’ least-favorite human being. And then there’s Eddie Lacy who’s just busy eating everything.

The Packers aren’t a good team. Last weekend’s win over the Redskins was fine, but let’s not forget that the Redskins haven’t beat a team with a winning record this season.

Rodgers is great, but he hasn’t mastered the Brady tool of turning shit into fool’s gold yet.

The Packers lost 38-8 to the Cardinals in Week 16 and I’m not so sure it’s going to go any better for the Packers fans this time around.

The Cardinals are without the Honey Badger, but with Green Bay’s limited offense, they can probably get by. Arizona has the smartest coach left in the NFC and probably the smartest quarterback as well. David Johnson is a freaking beast and Larry Fitzgerald, John Brown and Michael Floyd are all receivers who could go for 100-plus yards.

Hopefully my Packer-loving roommate isn’t reading this.

It’s just the truth.

Cardinals 35, Packers 13

Seattle at Carolina

JUST MAKE THE FIELD GOAL, BLAIR! TWENTY SEVEN YARDS! MY GOD!

OK. I’m done.

People are still calling the Seahawks the hottest team in the NFC but let’s not forget that they lost to the shitty Rams in Week 16 and scored just 10 points last week. With that being said, this is a huge challenge for the Panthers and I’m guessing most people think the Seahawks will win.

Is Marshawn Lynch playing? If you’re a Seattle fan, do you want him to play? I’m not quite sure.

This might be the best game to watch over the weekend, and of course it’s on at noon on Sunday. Why not put this game at 7 p.m. on Sunday? Whatever.

Russell Wilson should scare Panthers fans. He’s rolling right now, but Josh Norman should be able to shut down Doug Baldwin.

If you’re starting a franchise, do you take Wilson or Cam Newton? That’s a legitimate question.

This might be the game when Carolina’s lack of wide receivers comes back to bite the Panthers. Ted Ginn Jr. can’t be the best wide receiver for a Super Bowl team, right? Greg Olsen is great and if the Seahawks line Kam Chancellor on him, the Panthers should try to take advantage of that – something the Vikings did too late in last week’s game.

The Seahawks are my least-favorite team in the NFL, mostly because they think God wants them to win more than any other team. If God is cheering for football teams, we are probably all doomed.

I don’t know who has the edge here but I’m cheering for the Panthers. I’m also cheering for a Richie Sherman meltdown.

Panthers 31, Seahawks 28

Pittsburgh at Denver

The Steelers had 13-1 odds to win the Super Bowl going into the playoffs. With weapons like Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown and a soon-to-be healthy running back in DeAngelo Williams, it seemed like a great value bet.

But now everyone is hurt and the odds are not in the Steelers’ favor.

Big Ben probably can’t throw more than 20 yards right now. Williams isn’t going to play. Brown is concussed thanks to Adam Pac Man Jones, who in my opinion, should be suspended just for being a terrible person. But Greg Hardy played 10 games last season, so that’s not going to happen.

If you’re a Steelers fan, your hope is that Peyton Manning implodes and throws duck-after-duck, putting Pittsburgh’s offense in good position. And that’s a very possible thing. It would be an incredible sad way for Manning to go out, but this is how far he’s fallen. He’s still probably the smartest quarterback in the league, but the physical tools aren’t there anymore. Manning threw nine touchdowns and 17 interceptions this season.

THAT’S NOT GOOD!

Denver’s defense, though, is good, and with Pittsburgh’s beat-up offense, this could be a dream for the Broncos.

I don’t think so, though. Roethlisberger heals faster than any human should and seems to always find ways to win games he probably shouldn’t.

I think this is one of those games.

(I immediately regret this decision.)

Steelers 17, Broncos 14

That’s all I’ve got for today. Enjoy your weekend.

The Bachelor Power Rankings | Episode 2

 

He doesn’t watch “The Bachelor.” – They said.

Well, you’re wrong. I do. I’m a 25-year-old dude who watched “The Bachelor” over the National Championship game on Monday night. Am I embarrassed? No. This is who I am.

One of my best friends from high school, Adam,  sent a text to my buddy Nick and me on Monday night.

What a crazy game…

Nick and I both responded back thinking he was talking about “The Bachelor.”

He wasn’t.

A few things before we get to this week’s rankings:

  • Ben Higgins is sooooooooooooooooooooo boring.
  • LB thought so, too.
  • Mandi went home after winning Homecoming Queen proving that you truly can’t win them all.

Without further delay, here are the power rankings after the second episode of this season.

1.) Olivia

Olivia is a cold-blooded killer. She might be in this for love. She’s definitely in it for fame. And she’s probably the favorite right now.

She and Ben haven’t had a meaningful conversation yet, but when the two are together they are like to hyenas who can’t keep their hands off of each other.

We’re probably going to enter dangerous territory soon. Like the territory you and your college hookup entered when you realized you haven’t had a meaningful conversation in three years (what she wanted from Toppers doesn’t count).

You want it to keep going, but it’s something that will destroy you eventually and ruin a chance at any other relationship. This is what Olivia is to Ben right now. It’s fun. They make out a lot. But at some point, there needs to be some substance there.

(Actually, there doesn’t. We went through a season of Juan Pablo… “Shhh… Es OK.”)

2.) Caila

Caila received the first one-on-one date, even though it was kind of ruined by the over-promotion of “Ride Along 2.”
(PS – Make “Ride Along 2” rated R and you’ll have me interested. No F bombs and no nudity? No thanks.)

Caila and Ben seemed to have real chemistry and Amos Lee even dropped by for a visit. Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Amos Lee on the first date?! I once took a girl to Old Country Buffet for a date. So, yeah, pretty much the same thing.

(That didn’t work out, in case you were wondering.)

I’m warming up to Caila. Let’s not forget, though, that she claimed to break up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on “The Bachelorette.” If that doesn’t scream “I’m maybe a little nuts,” I’m not sure what does.

3.) Amanda

Let’s review Amanda for a bit…

Two kids. 25 years old. Divorced. This is the first time she’s “dated” since her divorce.

Wow. A lot is going on here. But she’s attractive and kind of has this innocence about her. Ben made hair clips for Amanda’s daughters, which was definitely an intern’s idea. She’s someone to keep an eye on.

4.) JoJo

It seems like she’s going to be a major player this season. Ben’s made out with her already, right?  I think so. Rating her this high is more of a hunch than anything else.

Also, she’s 24 years old.

Does anyone else feel old?

Ben, you’re 26! You don’t need to find love. You need to pay off your student loans. Stop making all of us look bad.

5.) Jubilee

I would keep Jubilee around simply because I’d be afraid of her giving me some sort of weird military headlock if I didn’t give her a rose.

(Is that a thing? A weird military headlock? It’s a thing, right?)

It’s still too early to get a read on Jubilee, but she’s already opened up to Ben and that seems like a good thing. Plus, I saw her in a swimsuit in the previews. That’s never a bad sign.

6.) Lauren B

New rule for Lauren B: She must wear the baby blue dress she wore on night one. Straight fire.

7.) Jennifer

Ben kissed her, right?

8.) Becca

What do we know about Becca?

She was on the last Bachelor. She claims she’s a virgin. And she was sneakily really good at basketball in the last episode.

Something’s up here… If things don’t work out, are we looking at the next Bachelorette?

9.) Lace

LACE. Oh my God. Lace.

Someone hide the wine from Lace. Shit. Never mind. Give her more wine. If Lace is not slurring her words 40 minutes into an episode, something is wrong. Or Jubilee put her in one of those headlocks.

We overlook the fact that she cares (probably because she’s drunk).

She wants to get alone time with Ben. That’s a plus.

The bad news is that she’s always drunk.

She complains when others cut her off from talking to Ben, but that’s kind of been her jam in the first four hours of this season.

She tells Ben she’s not crazy.

Guess what THE tell-tale sign of a crazy person is? WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY AREN’T CRAZY!

It’s the girl in college who says “I don’t normally do this…”

SHE MOST DEFINITELY DOES NORMALLY DO THIS!

But hey, at least Lace’s skin doesn’t smell sour.

10.) Shushanna

Wait, she speaks English? What was this whole episode one nonsense of her just speaking Russian?

11.) The Twins

These girls are the stereotypical blonde twins that producers dream of. They are good looking. They laugh at the same things. They say “like” five times per sentence. And it doesn’t seem like either one has a personality.

Ben has to split these girls up. Eliminate one in hopes that the other shows you something.

Side-note: I love that for jobs, they just have “Twins” listed. It was almost as good as the Chicken Enthusiast. RIP Chicken Enthusiast.

12.)  Amber

You can’t complain about not talking to Ben when you’ve made no effort to. This is the only time I’ll ever write this: Be more like Lace.

13.) Jami, Lauren H., Leah and Rachel

I literally have no idea who these people are.