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Meet KAT.

I’m not a cat guy.

I didn’t think. In fact, just five days ago I would poke fun at those with pet cats, such as my friend Nick (RIP Buttons). How could you grow so close to an animal that literally just sleeps and pees in the middle of the kitchen floor?

Sounds lame. When I got my first pet, it was going to be a dog. A cat wasn’t an option.

At all.

So of course, I own a cat. How the hell did this happen?

Well, there are a few factors here.

Our house has had some rodent problems. Our landlord suggested that we invest in a cat to help out. It’s an old house and there’s really not a whole lot we could do to keep them out, but we could purchase a killing machine to eliminate the mice. For me, this was purely a business move.

We came close to getting an older cat, but it fell through. But yeah, to get rid of disgusting rodents, I was down to get a cat.

The second factor might be a little more complicated. My girlfriend, Lindsey, recently lost her dog, who has been a staple of her family for more than a decade. I never understood how much a pet could mean to someone until I saw her reaction in the hours, days and weeks after Kismet’s death.

I have a dog back at home. Her name is Sadie. She kind of sucks. I have no connection with her. Lindsey and Kismet were quite the opposite.

She wrote beautifully about that already, so I won’t get into that.

She’s also going to law school in the fall, so it’ll be a nice companion for her as she’s studying after hours while I’m drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade watching football.

So, we considered all of this before actually getting the cat, right? I mean, we are closer to 30 than 20, after all (this hurts to admit). There must have been some planning, right?

Wellll…….

The answer is absolutely no planning, at all.

Friday night: We got drunk at a wedding.

Saturday: We woke up, still probably kind of not sober. We went to my parents’ place. There was a kitten there (bigger than Sadie, so that kind of tells you more about how Sadie kind of sucks). I didn’t know who this kitten belonged. It turns out, my 19-year-old sister owned it. The little dudet’s name was Eva (I don’t like calling a pet a real person’s name, but then again, who am I to judge what a real person’s name is? I just had a cookie and Red Bull for lunch).

Lindsey and I played with this cat before my mother, who I think was drinking a Dr. Pepper at 8 a.m. because YOLO, told us that whoever gave my sister this kitten had one more left. Were we interested? As I was busy burping up mint Icehole from the night before, Lindsey immediately said ‘YES!’

But we’d probably have to wait a week or two to get the cat, right?

Wrong! My mom volunteered to drive us over there (about a 15-minute drive) to pick it up!

My god. Why is life moving so fast?

Within two hours, we picked up the cat, a bunch of cat stuff (like poop dust and that stuff), and left to go back to the cities.

Over the last 48 hours, I’ve turned into the person I never thought I’d become. And I’m actually pretty chill with it.

I’m talking to my kitten like it’s a damn baby. I even cuddled with the damn thing the other day. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Get To Know KAT

He was born on April 19. We will probably throw a sick kegger or something, so mark your calendar.

Why KAT? Well, I work for the Timberwolves so it’s kind of a natural fit. We put it to a Twitter vote and KAT was the overwhelming winner.

Cornelius was an option because my sister named her fake baby that in middle school. You know, that baby you have to bring home to learn how horrible having a kid is when you’re supposed to be trading Pokemon cards and that shit. Cornelius? Like how did my 12-year-old sister come up with the damn name Cornelius? Props, Amanda. I would’ve been cool with Cornelius.

Hamm’s, of course, was a shoutout to my roommate.

What’s KAT’s personality like? The dude is super cuddly and loves to sleep. Seriously. I took a half day today to watch him (not trying to have KAT piss all over). He’s literally slept all day. He’s to my left right now, just sleeping like he got done running some weird-ass cat marathon.

Yeah, you deserve that nap.
Yeah, you deserve that nap.

What has he actually done? Drank some water, ate some food, meowed until I let him on the couch, urinated in the urination box and pooped somewhere not even close to the poop box. So yeah, pretty tough day for KAT.

He also likes to lick my fingers before biting them like a damn tiger cat. We’re working on that.

This is still all pretty new. Am I a cat person? Idk. I have a cat, so I guess. To all of those cat owners (Nick) I’ve given crap to over the years, my bad. I woke up three times last night freaking out because I thought KAT escaped. Nope. Just chilling in the closet like a boss. It’s been like 60 hours with this thing. Why do I like him so much? If he was a human, he’d be the most annoying and lazy human in the world.

But I guess that’s what he’s a cat KAT.

 

This Stupid (And Really Fun Thing) I Did For Work

On May 3, 2016, I won a contest. But might have lost at the same time.

Then why are you sharing this, Kyle?

Well, imaginary reader. Thanks for asking. I’m sharing this because I want more hits on my website. There I said it.

I participated in a lip-sync battle at work. There were five (maybe six?) other teams involved. What I did not know at the time of the competition as that you could do a group “battle” if you wanted to.

As you can see below, I missed that memo. I meant to share this earlier, but better late than never.

For those ROCORI Spartans out there, this probably looks a little bit familiar. Adam and Brian, let’s get the band back together. But not really because we are 26 and have to pretend to be adults.

Let me know what you think. Unless it’s bad. Then don’t do that.

I ended up winning four Twins tickets, and the person I hit after throwing my jacket 130 miles-per-hour into the crowd is OK.

 

Sweet 16 Predictions | In Buddy We Trust

Kyle’s note: Before reading this, remember that none of this reflects the opinions of the Minnesota Timberwolves. This is all me.

Now, let’s roll.

I watched three games of NCAA basketball this season and two were at The Barn to watch the Golden Gophers play and while I trust Richard Pitino to turn the program around, I’m not so sure I can even count those two games.

So yeah, I watched one college basketball game prior to the tournament. But definitely keep reading this column. I definitely know what I’m talking about.

Two of my four brackets are still alive, which is probably better than most people. Michigan State still has Mateen Cleaves crying his eyes out while scrolling through photos of Tom Izzo on Google Images.

And West Virginia, well, I don’t know anything about the Mountaineers besides the fact that a man named Kevin Pittsnogle played there.

Pittsnogle is now a car dealer in his hometown of Martinsburg, West Virginia. The more you know.

Here are my picks for the Sweet 16 games:

THURSDAY NIGHT

Villanova over Miami

This is mostly because Jay Wright is what I strive to look like in 20 years from now. Very unlikely, but we can dream. Wright said something in his last postgame press conference that he and his best player, Ryan Arcidiacono, don’t even really talk because they are always on the same page and came from the same area.

Not talking to your best player doesn’t seem like the best move, but whatever, go Wildcats!

Oklahoma over Texas A&M                              

Okay, let’s just get this out of the way. The only reason why Texas A&M is in this game is because every kid on Northern Iowa was kissed by a band of Dementors with less than a minute left in that game.

I’m a fan of Buddy Hield. I’ve watched highlights of him all year and man, is he fun to watch. You’re wrong if you think the guy can just shoot threes. He had a sick hesitation move against VCU that gave everyone in the bar an ‘oh shit’ look. And the good ‘oh shit’ look. Not the ‘can I use the bathroom please?’ look.

The only bad thing is that the Sooners will only go as far as Buddy brings them. If we’ve learned anything about college basketball, that’s normally not a good sign.

In Buddy We Trust.

Kansas over Maryland

It seems like every expert I listen to/read is picking the Jayhawks to win it all.

But Maryland has like two or three NBA prospects on its squad, which seems like it’s a useful thing.

Maybe the Terrapins can win?

Hell, what am I talking about? The Terrapins lost to the Gophers. Kansas by 50.

Duke over Oregon

Rooting for Duke is like rooting for the Yankees. You generally have no reason to do so unless you have the weird urge to make everyone hate you.

I have a friend/co-worker and his favorite teams are the Green Bay Packers and the Yankees.

Well, isn’t that unbelievably convenient?!

He’ll claim that he’s a fan because his dad is. My dad would much rather watch a hunting show than any sporting even besides wrestling. I go deer hunting once a year and normally fall asleep in my stand.

You can change history, Sam.

Watching Grayson Allen and Brandon Ingram scares the hell out of me if I’m on the Ducks. And then you add in guys like Plumlee XI rolling to the basket and Luke Kennard taking “I HAVE BIG BALLS” shots.

This isn’t your typical Duke team, which actually might be a good thing.

FRIDAY NIGHT

Virginia over Iowa State

Virginia is a very boring team to watch, which is exactly what coach Tony Bennett wants. Defense, defense, defense. Rooting against anything from Iowa (besides my friends Preston, Alli, Steve and Mike) is pretty easy to do.

Iowa is out. Northern Iowa is out. Iowa State, you’re next.

Iowa? More like Byeowa.

(My God. I’m sorry for that.)

Wisconsin over Notre Dame

My girlfriend went to Wisconsin. That is all.

Gonzaga over Syracuse

After all these years of picking Gonzaga to go far, here they are, finally doing it as an 11 seed. The son of Arvydass Sabonis seems like a pretty good player. You can’t take anything away from Syracuse. Jim Boeheim and company are in the Sweet 16, but the path hasn’t exactly been Fury Road. Dayton and Middle Tennessee State aren’t exactly wins that have us dreaming of the ‘Cuse ‘Melo dayz.

Somewhere Adam Morrison is licking his mustache.

On a sidewalk.

North Carolina over Indiana

This is a hellish matchup for the Tarheels and thoughts and prayers go out to John Calipari and the Wildcats. Playing the Hoosiers in the second round is a tough matchup.

I have North Carolina winning it all in one of my brackets and I’m afraid because this might be its toughest matchup of the whole tournament.

Let’s look at it:

If the Tarheels win, they’ll play Notre Dame or Wisconsin. They will then go onto play Virginia, Gonzaga, Iowa State or Syracuse. I mean, who out of that group are you super afraid of besides Virginia?

Give me the Tarheels in this one, but if the Hoosiers do win, don’t be shocked if they make a run to the championship.

What am I doing for the games tonight? Barley sodas. Couch. And opening basketball cards with my roommate.

I’m 25.

March Madness indeed.

20 Reasons Why Winter Sucks

I was bored. So I wrote this.

I’m ready for winter to be done with. And then never come back again.

  1. It’s cold.
  2. Things are icy and you’ve probably embarrassed yourself recently by falling down in front of a group of people. At least one of those people laughed out loud. You fake laughed. And then secretly hoped you could see someone else fall to feel some satisfaction.
  3. You got new shoes? Too bad. The snow, mixed with dirt and dog shit is going to ruin those shoes. Sorry.
  4. You gain weight. Oh, I can wear a baggy sweater or sweatshirt every day? I think I’m full, but my shirt isn’t tight yet, so… This is a real thing. You’re the guy wearing a t-shirt on the beach in June, regretting all those late-night Cheez-Its you ate. This was a big issue in college for the singles. Is that person good looking? I can’t tell. Why are they wearing a sweatshirt the size of my comforter? WHAT’S GOING ON UNDER THERE?!
  5. You have to scrape your car. My god. The noise of the scraper going against a window is the equivalent of being trapped in a closet with Sia being played on repeat for 27 hours.
  6. If you have to park on the street, you have to move your car when there’s a snow emergency. From 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. the first day, you must park on the right side of a side street. From 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. you must move it to the other side. And after that, you must park 18 blocks away from your house.
  7. You’re definitely going to lose one glove.
  8. Do you live in an old house or apartment? It’s going to be eight degrees or 104 degrees. There’s no in between.
  9. Shoveling snow is a thing and it’s horrible. “Hey, Kyle. Go out and shovel the driveway while we watch television. Sounds great, parents!” Full disclosure: I was a pretty out-of-shape kid, so any sort of exercise was pure torture.
  10. Exercising becomes more of a chore. In the summer, you could just run outside. In the winter, yeah, you can run outside if you want.

“It’s the perfect texture for running. Very low impact.”

We can all agree she deserved that.

 

  1. Everyone gets sick. And then you run out of tissues and start using paper towels and then the next day your nose and upper lip look like you just went down face-first on your bike into shards of glass.
  2. You lie to yourself. Oh, snowmobiling is “fun” even though we’ve been stuck 12 times and my feet are freezing. And yeah, it’s a “great” idea to drive your vehicle on a frozen lake. And then drill a bunch of holes in it to go ice fishing. Yep, totally safe.
  3. Your skin gets super dry. I feel uncomfortable covering my body in lotion, but hey, welcome to winter.
  4. The air hurts your face. And if you think there’s no difference between 15 degrees and -5 degrees, well, STFU.
  5. You don’t want your ears to freeze, so you wear a hat. But that hat makes your hair look like shit for the rest of the day. You can’t win.
  6. New Year’s Eve is in the winter and it’s possibly the most overrated holiday there is. Halloween is a close second, IMO. Paying a $40 cover to a bar, standing outside (in the cold) waiting to get in and then waiting another 50 minutes per drink isn’t fun. Give me some of those Cheez-Its and pop on “Definitely, Maybe” and we’re good to go.
  7. Right when you think winter is over, it snows three feet in March.
  8. Beards are cool during the winter. Unless your beard is patchy and isn’t actually a beard at all. It’s a neard. Neards are not cool in the winter.
  9. Everyone becomes a horrible driver. Everyone either drives four miles-per-hour or 92. There’s nothing in the middle. And the first snowfall of the year, my god. We go through this for at least five months during every year. This isn’t anything new.
  10. All hockey fans tell me that I would like hockey if I just understood it. I understand it. And I don’t like it. Leave me alone, puck heads.

That’s all I have. Bachelor power rankings coming soon.