Where to begin.
If you’re reading this, you watched this week’s Bachelor episode. If you haven’t, well, I’m not sure how you watch and read about your shows, but I think you’re doing it wrong.
Let’s start with Caila.
You feel for her. You really do. And you kind of think that if she would have been the third date, Ben would have dropped the love bomb on her and everything would be fine. But she didn’t get the third date. Now she’s at home. Or making fake houses in a puddle of her own tears.
I thought Caila’s date went extremely well and it kind of signified what relationships are like. Caila was a little off to begin and then opened up throughout the date. It seemed like Ben’s dates with Lauren and JoJo went perfect, but it was kind of cool watching Ben and Caila’s relationship develop throughout the episode and the last few weeks.
A few observations from Caila in the episode:
- Good for her for going out of the car to ask Ben if he knew before their overnight. That pretty much tells us that Ben and Caila did some Cinemax late-night stuff on their date, but it seems like most contestants just go “what if I didn’t do this” or whatever. It didn’t seem like Caila had any regrets.
- She’s a smiling laugher which only adds to my belief that she’s a little bit insane.
- I still thought there was a chance after JoJo’s date that Caila would stay. When Caila came to surprise Ben, 30 minutes remained. SO MUCH CAN STILL HAPPEN! But nothing really did. Caila walked into her own death trap and it wasn’t like how Leah did it earlier. Leah was not a very good person. I think Caila is. She legitimately thought she was going to see her future husband and he would be excited to see her. Well….. Again, this is your weekly reminder that Caila broke up with her previous boyfriend BECAUSE SHE SAW BEN ON TV!
Here’s to hoping Caila will be the Bachelorette so we can see her dad’s sick-ass orange pants again.
She’s gotta be the favorite here, right?
Was I fan of her red dress at the rose ceremony? No.
Do I think she should wear her periwinkle dress wherever she goes? 100% yes.
The two saved turtles or some shit which seems like the most boring date in the world.
Lauren was the second to tell Ben she loves him. Ben kissed Caila after she told him. Ben told Lauren that he’s been in love with her for a while now, something that wasn’t exactly surprising to anyone. All the girls have been scared shitless of Lauren throughout the entire process and they get to see more than us. There’s a reason for this.
Lauren keeps telling Ben that he’s her dream guy. She’s selling herself short here. She’s good looking, comes from a solid family and doesn’t seem to be waving the crazy flag. We aren’t sure on her personality but everyone in the house (minus Leah) seemed to like her.
Ben is whatever. He’s a good-looking tall guy who says “like” a lot and is about as much fun as a flat football. I’m also convinced that females think 70 percent of tall men are attractive.
Lauren is probably going to win.
If JoJo is the first date, does Ben tell her he loves her? I don’t think so.
What I think happened:
Ben told Lauren he loved her. Producers were like “oh shit, Ben. What are you doing?!” after that and encouraged Ben to maybe feel the same way about JoJo and maybe tell her on their date that he loves her. If he doesn’t, the show’s pretty much over, right?
I’m not sure how Ben can get over JoJo’s crazy family.
Dad: Looks like he’s probably killed someone before and looks like nobody else in the family.
Mom: Has had at least 23 plastic surgeries and looks like nobody else in the world.
Brothers: The worst-case scenario for any incoming boyfriend.
JoJo was forcing it in this episode, but it worked. She knew she had some work to do after the mostly disastrous hometown visit.
Sidenotes: I’m probably in the small percentage of guys out there saying this, but she might need to invest in bigger swimsuit tops in the future. Actually, her overall fashion could use some work. And this is coming from a guy who wears mismatched socks almost daily and only has two pairs of jeans. I also wore nothing but Vikings jerseys in third grade. In related news, nobody wanted to be my Valentine.
My prediction (based on some of the teasers): Ben picks Lauren. Starts crying about hurting JoJo. Calls JoJo on the phone to tell her that he will always love her as a friend or some shit like that.
You’ve created a monster, Ben. Yourself.
The man who was afraid of being unlovable was told on three consecutive dates that his whole life has been a lie.
After the first date, he was able to contain it. Maybe it was too good to be true. Maybe he heard her wrong. But then Lauren said to him again and he couldn’t stop dropping the L bomb.
The episode was an all-around disaster for Ben. He came out rocking a terrible pink shirt. He couldn’t stop sweating throughout the show. And the producers thought it was a good idea for Ben to climb an ancient pyramid that could fall at any time in flip flops.
He opened the episode saying, “I think I could fall in love in Jamaica.”
Well, mission accomplished! Twice! Now you’ve got a damn mess on your hands.
That’s all for this week. Next week, we’ll go through pros and cons of Lauren and JoJo.
I love you.