Meet KAT.

I’m not a cat guy.

I didn’t think. In fact, just five days ago I would poke fun at those with pet cats, such as my friend Nick (RIP Buttons). How could you grow so close to an animal that literally just sleeps and pees in the middle of the kitchen floor?

Sounds lame. When I got my first pet, it was going to be a dog. A cat wasn’t an option.

At all.

So of course, I own a cat. How the hell did this happen?

Well, there are a few factors here.

Our house has had some rodent problems. Our landlord suggested that we invest in a cat to help out. It’s an old house and there’s really not a whole lot we could do to keep them out, but we could purchase a killing machine to eliminate the mice. For me, this was purely a business move.

We came close to getting an older cat, but it fell through. But yeah, to get rid of disgusting rodents, I was down to get a cat.

The second factor might be a little more complicated. My girlfriend, Lindsey, recently lost her dog, who has been a staple of her family for more than a decade. I never understood how much a pet could mean to someone until I saw her reaction in the hours, days and weeks after Kismet’s death.

I have a dog back at home. Her name is Sadie. She kind of sucks. I have no connection with her. Lindsey and Kismet were quite the opposite.

She wrote beautifully about that already, so I won’t get into that.

She’s also going to law school in the fall, so it’ll be a nice companion for her as she’s studying after hours while I’m drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade watching football.

So, we considered all of this before actually getting the cat, right? I mean, we are closer to 30 than 20, after all (this hurts to admit). There must have been some planning, right?


The answer is absolutely no planning, at all.

Friday night: We got drunk at a wedding.

Saturday: We woke up, still probably kind of not sober. We went to my parents’ place. There was a kitten there (bigger than Sadie, so that kind of tells you more about how Sadie kind of sucks). I didn’t know who this kitten belonged. It turns out, my 19-year-old sister owned it. The little dudet’s name was Eva (I don’t like calling a pet a real person’s name, but then again, who am I to judge what a real person’s name is? I just had a cookie and Red Bull for lunch).

Lindsey and I played with this cat before my mother, who I think was drinking a Dr. Pepper at 8 a.m. because YOLO, told us that whoever gave my sister this kitten had one more left. Were we interested? As I was busy burping up mint Icehole from the night before, Lindsey immediately said ‘YES!’

But we’d probably have to wait a week or two to get the cat, right?

Wrong! My mom volunteered to drive us over there (about a 15-minute drive) to pick it up!

My god. Why is life moving so fast?

Within two hours, we picked up the cat, a bunch of cat stuff (like poop dust and that stuff), and left to go back to the cities.

Over the last 48 hours, I’ve turned into the person I never thought I’d become. And I’m actually pretty chill with it.

I’m talking to my kitten like it’s a damn baby. I even cuddled with the damn thing the other day. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Get To Know KAT

He was born on April 19. We will probably throw a sick kegger or something, so mark your calendar.

Why KAT? Well, I work for the Timberwolves so it’s kind of a natural fit. We put it to a Twitter vote and KAT was the overwhelming winner.

Cornelius was an option because my sister named her fake baby that in middle school. You know, that baby you have to bring home to learn how horrible having a kid is when you’re supposed to be trading Pokemon cards and that shit. Cornelius? Like how did my 12-year-old sister come up with the damn name Cornelius? Props, Amanda. I would’ve been cool with Cornelius.

Hamm’s, of course, was a shoutout to my roommate.

What’s KAT’s personality like? The dude is super cuddly and loves to sleep. Seriously. I took a half day today to watch him (not trying to have KAT piss all over). He’s literally slept all day. He’s to my left right now, just sleeping like he got done running some weird-ass cat marathon.

Yeah, you deserve that nap.
Yeah, you deserve that nap.

What has he actually done? Drank some water, ate some food, meowed until I let him on the couch, urinated in the urination box and pooped somewhere not even close to the poop box. So yeah, pretty tough day for KAT.

He also likes to lick my fingers before biting them like a damn tiger cat. We’re working on that.

This is still all pretty new. Am I a cat person? Idk. I have a cat, so I guess. To all of those cat owners (Nick) I’ve given crap to over the years, my bad. I woke up three times last night freaking out because I thought KAT escaped. Nope. Just chilling in the closet like a boss. It’s been like 60 hours with this thing. Why do I like him so much? If he was a human, he’d be the most annoying and lazy human in the world.

But I guess that’s what he’s a cat KAT.


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