Meet KAT.

I’m not a cat guy.

I didn’t think. In fact, just five days ago I would poke fun at those with pet cats, such as my friend Nick (RIP Buttons). How could you grow so close to an animal that literally just sleeps and pees in the middle of the kitchen floor?

Sounds lame. When I got my first pet, it was going to be a dog. A cat wasn’t an option.

At all.

So of course, I own a cat. How the hell did this happen?

Well, there are a few factors here.

Our house has had some rodent problems. Our landlord suggested that we invest in a cat to help out. It’s an old house and there’s really not a whole lot we could do to keep them out, but we could purchase a killing machine to eliminate the mice. For me, this was purely a business move.

We came close to getting an older cat, but it fell through. But yeah, to get rid of disgusting rodents, I was down to get a cat.

The second factor might be a little more complicated. My girlfriend, Lindsey, recently lost her dog, who has been a staple of her family for more than a decade. I never understood how much a pet could mean to someone until I saw her reaction in the hours, days and weeks after Kismet’s death.

I have a dog back at home. Her name is Sadie. She kind of sucks. I have no connection with her. Lindsey and Kismet were quite the opposite.

She wrote beautifully about that already, so I won’t get into that.

She’s also going to law school in the fall, so it’ll be a nice companion for her as she’s studying after hours while I’m drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade watching football.

So, we considered all of this before actually getting the cat, right? I mean, we are closer to 30 than 20, after all (this hurts to admit). There must have been some planning, right?

Wellll…….

The answer is absolutely no planning, at all.

Friday night: We got drunk at a wedding.

Saturday: We woke up, still probably kind of not sober. We went to my parents’ place. There was a kitten there (bigger than Sadie, so that kind of tells you more about how Sadie kind of sucks). I didn’t know who this kitten belonged. It turns out, my 19-year-old sister owned it. The little dudet’s name was Eva (I don’t like calling a pet a real person’s name, but then again, who am I to judge what a real person’s name is? I just had a cookie and Red Bull for lunch).

Lindsey and I played with this cat before my mother, who I think was drinking a Dr. Pepper at 8 a.m. because YOLO, told us that whoever gave my sister this kitten had one more left. Were we interested? As I was busy burping up mint Icehole from the night before, Lindsey immediately said ‘YES!’

But we’d probably have to wait a week or two to get the cat, right?

Wrong! My mom volunteered to drive us over there (about a 15-minute drive) to pick it up!

My god. Why is life moving so fast?

Within two hours, we picked up the cat, a bunch of cat stuff (like poop dust and that stuff), and left to go back to the cities.

Over the last 48 hours, I’ve turned into the person I never thought I’d become. And I’m actually pretty chill with it.

I’m talking to my kitten like it’s a damn baby. I even cuddled with the damn thing the other day. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Get To Know KAT

He was born on April 19. We will probably throw a sick kegger or something, so mark your calendar.

Why KAT? Well, I work for the Timberwolves so it’s kind of a natural fit. We put it to a Twitter vote and KAT was the overwhelming winner.

Cornelius was an option because my sister named her fake baby that in middle school. You know, that baby you have to bring home to learn how horrible having a kid is when you’re supposed to be trading Pokemon cards and that shit. Cornelius? Like how did my 12-year-old sister come up with the damn name Cornelius? Props, Amanda. I would’ve been cool with Cornelius.

Hamm’s, of course, was a shoutout to my roommate.

What’s KAT’s personality like? The dude is super cuddly and loves to sleep. Seriously. I took a half day today to watch him (not trying to have KAT piss all over). He’s literally slept all day. He’s to my left right now, just sleeping like he got done running some weird-ass cat marathon.

Yeah, you deserve that nap.
Yeah, you deserve that nap.

What has he actually done? Drank some water, ate some food, meowed until I let him on the couch, urinated in the urination box and pooped somewhere not even close to the poop box. So yeah, pretty tough day for KAT.

He also likes to lick my fingers before biting them like a damn tiger cat. We’re working on that.

This is still all pretty new. Am I a cat person? Idk. I have a cat, so I guess. To all of those cat owners (Nick) I’ve given crap to over the years, my bad. I woke up three times last night freaking out because I thought KAT escaped. Nope. Just chilling in the closet like a boss. It’s been like 60 hours with this thing. Why do I like him so much? If he was a human, he’d be the most annoying and lazy human in the world.

But I guess that’s what he’s a cat KAT.

 

This Stupid (And Really Fun Thing) I Did For Work

On May 3, 2016, I won a contest. But might have lost at the same time.

Then why are you sharing this, Kyle?

Well, imaginary reader. Thanks for asking. I’m sharing this because I want more hits on my website. There I said it.

I participated in a lip-sync battle at work. There were five (maybe six?) other teams involved. What I did not know at the time of the competition as that you could do a group “battle” if you wanted to.

As you can see below, I missed that memo. I meant to share this earlier, but better late than never.

For those ROCORI Spartans out there, this probably looks a little bit familiar. Adam and Brian, let’s get the band back together. But not really because we are 26 and have to pretend to be adults.

Let me know what you think. Unless it’s bad. Then don’t do that.

I ended up winning four Twins tickets, and the person I hit after throwing my jacket 130 miles-per-hour into the crowd is OK.

 

Observations On The Vikings’ Draft… A Week Later

23 overall, WR, Laquon Treadwell, Ole Miss

The pick fills a need.

Does it matter that Treadwell ran a slower time at the Combine? I don’t know. Troy Williamson. That’s all I’ll say because he makes all Vikings’ fans want to stab themselves in the hand with an ice pick. The funny thing is, we’d still be able to catch a ball better than Williamson.

(Oh, burnnnnnnnnnn.)

Side-note: I have a Williamson jersey. I bought it after a 100-yard game he had against the Panthers. I’ve made a lot of bad investments. Fantasy sports.  Creatine that I still have from 2011. Alcohol. Trading cards. This jersey ranks No. 1.

I’ve always been a big fan of you know, just like watching players play football and stuff and seeing if they are good. But I realize college football and the NFL are totally different.

It doesn’t seem like too long ago when Treadwell was considered a top-10 pick, so getting him at 23 is a steal.

Plus, the dude handled himself like a total professional after being drafted. Maybe he didn’t scream and shout, but he brought his daughter to the stage and I don’t know the guy, but he seems pretty mature and responsible for someone who was born in 1995 (my god I’m old).

With him and Stefon Diggs, you’re giving Teddy Bridgewater some options. That plus playing indoors puts Bridgewater on the hot seat more than anyone.

54 overall, CB, Mackensie Alexander, Clemson                          

Does he spell his first name wrong? I don’t know. I ate Doritos for dinner last night, so I’m not here to judge anyone.

The biggest concern is that Alexander didn’t have any interceptions last season. That’s fair. But from everything I’ve read, he didn’t let anyone catch a damn ball either, which is pretty important as a corner, my sources tell me.

The Vikings are deep at corner with Xavier Rhodes, Trae Waynes, Terence Newman and Captain Munnerlyn. Rhodes is a stud, but Newman is getting older, Captain has been up and down and the jury is still out on Waynes.

According to Pro Football Focus, Alexander was the fifth best pick in the draft? What does that mean? I DON’T KNOW BUT WE LOVE STUFF LIKE THIS SO YAY!

121 overall, OT, Willie Beavers, Western Michigan

I don’t know anything about Willie Beavers besides the fact that his name is really awesome or really unfortunate. I can’t tell yet.

It sounds like Beavers is more of a project than anything. He’s probably not going to be a guy who contributes anything this season, but probably next season when Matt Kalil signs with the Cardinals and is awesome.

Personally, I would have liked the team to go after someone who could help win now, perhaps a safety, but you also have to look 12 months down the line. Probably the smart move, not necessarily the sexy move, similiar to wearing your jacket to the bar in the winter.

160 overall, LB, Kentrell Brothers, Missouri

In the fifth round, the Vikings snagged inside linebacker Kentrell Brothers. Not a huge fan of this pack, but then again, I didn’t watch Brothers play one down in college. I’m basing all of my information on what others tell me and whatever I dig up on the internet.

Brothers ran a 4.89 40-yard dash, which ranked 27 out of 31 linebackers in the draft, so that’s not promising. At all.

He did have 152 combined tackles last season playing in the SEC, though, so maybe there’s something. Probably a special teams guy at best.

180 overall, WR, Moritz Böhringer, Germany

GET YOUR No. 81 JERSEYS OUT!

Was this a “gimmick” pick? Maybe, but who the hell cares? It was a sixth-round pick.

There’s the unknown because he’s from Germany, but most of us have some German in us and we turned out OK.

If Boehringer played any other position, he would have been picked higher. The dude ran a 4.43 40-yard dash and had a vertical jump of 39 inches (close to how tall you need to be to ride the Wild Thing at Valley Fair).

According to NFL.com, Boehringer is a “hand catcher” which seems like a good thing to be.

He hasn’t played football for that long, but that might be a good thing. As Ben Franklin once said, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

And you’d much rather keep Boehringer than deal with Cordarrelle Patterson for another year, right?

A friend of mine who went to the University of Tennessee told me that the Vikings were getting one hell of an athlete with Patterson, maybe the best he’s ever seen.

“But he’s going to drive you absolutely crazy. Just kind of does whatever he wants.”

Ding, ding, ding!

#TeamBoehringer

188 overall, TE, David Morgan, Texas-San Antonio

This is the only photo I could find of Morgan. If this picture is any sign on his future with the team, well, I don’t like his chances. With Kyle Rudolph, MyCole Pruitt and Rhett Ellison still under contract, I really don’t like his chances.

But he was the first University of Texas-San Antonio player to to be drafted into the NFL. So yay!

Still waiting on Tim Riggins.

227 overall, OLB, Stephen Weatherly, Vanderbilt

Weatherly can play both outside linebacker and defensive end and in today’s NFL, that’s important.

According to NFL.com, his NFL comparison is Quanterus Smith and I don’t know who that is.

This might not end well.

244 overall, S, Jayron Kearse, Clemson

His uncle is Jevon Kearse, so he kind of already wins.

But read this note from NFL.com:

“He’s a big guy, but he just doesn’t make many plays. You see him out there just drifting around sometimes and you just wish he had the same attitude and fire that the rest of that defense has because he could be so much better. Do you draft him on traits and hope your coaches reach him?”

Hope your coaches reach him? Did you just double dare Mike Zimmer? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DOUBLE DARE AND MIKE ZIMMER ACCEPTS!

He probably won’t make the team, but it’s worth a try, especially since he will have a little bit of familiarity with Alexander.

That’s all I’ve got, friends. Talk to you soon.