I was bored. So I wrote this.
I’m ready for winter to be done with. And then never come back again.
- It’s cold.
- Things are icy and you’ve probably embarrassed yourself recently by falling down in front of a group of people. At least one of those people laughed out loud. You fake laughed. And then secretly hoped you could see someone else fall to feel some satisfaction.
- You got new shoes? Too bad. The snow, mixed with dirt and dog shit is going to ruin those shoes. Sorry.
- You gain weight. Oh, I can wear a baggy sweater or sweatshirt every day? I think I’m full, but my shirt isn’t tight yet, so… This is a real thing. You’re the guy wearing a t-shirt on the beach in June, regretting all those late-night Cheez-Its you ate. This was a big issue in college for the singles. Is that person good looking? I can’t tell. Why are they wearing a sweatshirt the size of my comforter? WHAT’S GOING ON UNDER THERE?!
- You have to scrape your car. My god. The noise of the scraper going against a window is the equivalent of being trapped in a closet with Sia being played on repeat for 27 hours.
- If you have to park on the street, you have to move your car when there’s a snow emergency. From 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. the first day, you must park on the right side of a side street. From 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. you must move it to the other side. And after that, you must park 18 blocks away from your house.
- You’re definitely going to lose one glove.
- Do you live in an old house or apartment? It’s going to be eight degrees or 104 degrees. There’s no in between.
- Shoveling snow is a thing and it’s horrible. “Hey, Kyle. Go out and shovel the driveway while we watch television. Sounds great, parents!” Full disclosure: I was a pretty out-of-shape kid, so any sort of exercise was pure torture.
- Exercising becomes more of a chore. In the summer, you could just run outside. In the winter, yeah, you can run outside if you want.
“It’s the perfect texture for running. Very low impact.”
We can all agree she deserved that.
- Everyone gets sick. And then you run out of tissues and start using paper towels and then the next day your nose and upper lip look like you just went down face-first on your bike into shards of glass.
- You lie to yourself. Oh, snowmobiling is “fun” even though we’ve been stuck 12 times and my feet are freezing. And yeah, it’s a “great” idea to drive your vehicle on a frozen lake. And then drill a bunch of holes in it to go ice fishing. Yep, totally safe.
- Your skin gets super dry. I feel uncomfortable covering my body in lotion, but hey, welcome to winter.
- The air hurts your face. And if you think there’s no difference between 15 degrees and -5 degrees, well, STFU.
- You don’t want your ears to freeze, so you wear a hat. But that hat makes your hair look like shit for the rest of the day. You can’t win.
- New Year’s Eve is in the winter and it’s possibly the most overrated holiday there is. Halloween is a close second, IMO. Paying a $40 cover to a bar, standing outside (in the cold) waiting to get in and then waiting another 50 minutes per drink isn’t fun. Give me some of those Cheez-Its and pop on “Definitely, Maybe” and we’re good to go.
- Right when you think winter is over, it snows three feet in March.
- Beards are cool during the winter. Unless your beard is patchy and isn’t actually a beard at all. It’s a neard. Neards are not cool in the winter.
- Everyone becomes a horrible driver. Everyone either drives four miles-per-hour or 92. There’s nothing in the middle. And the first snowfall of the year, my god. We go through this for at least five months during every year. This isn’t anything new.
- All hockey fans tell me that I would like hockey if I just understood it. I understand it. And I don’t like it. Leave me alone, puck heads.
That’s all I have. Bachelor power rankings coming soon.