Bachelor Power Rankings | The Kids Aren’t All Right

 

This is going to be short and sweet. I have to leave in 29 minutes for a cabin weekend.

Let’s get to it.

First off, man, you gotta feel for Amanda, right? But at the same time, there never seemed to be any real connection with Ben and Amanda. She always seemed like the girl he would go to for advice with another relationship of his. She also probably learned what shirts are and aren’t OK for the beach. They could have made a 30-minute episode called, “Will Amanda’s top fall off?”

Goodbye, Amanda. The Final Four was impressive. I’m also a big fan of the name Kinsley, so good work there.

Now, for the rankings:

1.) Lauren

She’s probably going to win. Her sister seemed like she was flirting with Ben, so that’s a bit concerning. But when he was asked about how he felt about Lauren, he started crying. That seems pretty damn telling.

I don’t really have much else to say about Lauren. We’ll see what happens next week, but she’s the frontrunner.

2.) Caila

What a jump Caila made this week. Ben said it was his deepest connection or some shit like that (I don’t have time to look over the film). That was super surprising. Maybe it’s because much of their time has been edited out, I’m not sure.

The two seem to have a very good connection. Her mom and dad seem cool and supportive, and they are rich, so that helps. Her mom is rocking braces. Props to her. And the dad wears orange pants and kind of gives me the willies, but he’s a CEO, so he’ll make more money than I ever will. No judging here.

I just want to see Caila face some adversity. Out of the final three, she’s really the only one who hasn’t yet.

3.) JoJo

She got roses from her ex-boyfriend. I’m no Dr. Phil here, but it doesn’t seem like she should have been as upset about it if she didn’t still have some feelings for this Chad guy.

I think she fell because I’m not sure Ben wants to deal with her two brothers. And I don’t blame him. Her mom is the real MVP even though she’s had more plastic surgeries than (think of someone who has had a lot of plastic surgeries).

My prediction for Monday: JoJo gets eliminated.

Sorry on the short post. As always, thanks for reading. I’m super pumped for Monday.

20 Reasons Why Winter Sucks

I was bored. So I wrote this.

I’m ready for winter to be done with. And then never come back again.

  1. It’s cold.
  2. Things are icy and you’ve probably embarrassed yourself recently by falling down in front of a group of people. At least one of those people laughed out loud. You fake laughed. And then secretly hoped you could see someone else fall to feel some satisfaction.
  3. You got new shoes? Too bad. The snow, mixed with dirt and dog shit is going to ruin those shoes. Sorry.
  4. You gain weight. Oh, I can wear a baggy sweater or sweatshirt every day? I think I’m full, but my shirt isn’t tight yet, so… This is a real thing. You’re the guy wearing a t-shirt on the beach in June, regretting all those late-night Cheez-Its you ate. This was a big issue in college for the singles. Is that person good looking? I can’t tell. Why are they wearing a sweatshirt the size of my comforter? WHAT’S GOING ON UNDER THERE?!
  5. You have to scrape your car. My god. The noise of the scraper going against a window is the equivalent of being trapped in a closet with Sia being played on repeat for 27 hours.
  6. If you have to park on the street, you have to move your car when there’s a snow emergency. From 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. the first day, you must park on the right side of a side street. From 9 p.m. to 8 a.m. you must move it to the other side. And after that, you must park 18 blocks away from your house.
  7. You’re definitely going to lose one glove.
  8. Do you live in an old house or apartment? It’s going to be eight degrees or 104 degrees. There’s no in between.
  9. Shoveling snow is a thing and it’s horrible. “Hey, Kyle. Go out and shovel the driveway while we watch television. Sounds great, parents!” Full disclosure: I was a pretty out-of-shape kid, so any sort of exercise was pure torture.
  10. Exercising becomes more of a chore. In the summer, you could just run outside. In the winter, yeah, you can run outside if you want.

“It’s the perfect texture for running. Very low impact.”

We can all agree she deserved that.

 

  1. Everyone gets sick. And then you run out of tissues and start using paper towels and then the next day your nose and upper lip look like you just went down face-first on your bike into shards of glass.
  2. You lie to yourself. Oh, snowmobiling is “fun” even though we’ve been stuck 12 times and my feet are freezing. And yeah, it’s a “great” idea to drive your vehicle on a frozen lake. And then drill a bunch of holes in it to go ice fishing. Yep, totally safe.
  3. Your skin gets super dry. I feel uncomfortable covering my body in lotion, but hey, welcome to winter.
  4. The air hurts your face. And if you think there’s no difference between 15 degrees and -5 degrees, well, STFU.
  5. You don’t want your ears to freeze, so you wear a hat. But that hat makes your hair look like shit for the rest of the day. You can’t win.
  6. New Year’s Eve is in the winter and it’s possibly the most overrated holiday there is. Halloween is a close second, IMO. Paying a $40 cover to a bar, standing outside (in the cold) waiting to get in and then waiting another 50 minutes per drink isn’t fun. Give me some of those Cheez-Its and pop on “Definitely, Maybe” and we’re good to go.
  7. Right when you think winter is over, it snows three feet in March.
  8. Beards are cool during the winter. Unless your beard is patchy and isn’t actually a beard at all. It’s a neard. Neards are not cool in the winter.
  9. Everyone becomes a horrible driver. Everyone either drives four miles-per-hour or 92. There’s nothing in the middle. And the first snowfall of the year, my god. We go through this for at least five months during every year. This isn’t anything new.
  10. All hockey fans tell me that I would like hockey if I just understood it. I understand it. And I don’t like it. Leave me alone, puck heads.

That’s all I have. Bachelor power rankings coming soon.

 

The Final Four Bachelor Power Rankings

Before we get into this week’s rankings, let me just tell you a little story.

I flew to Toronto on Thursday for All-Star Weekend. I joked to the two coworkers going with me that I’ve never lost my bags before.

And then Air Canada lost my bag because I’m an idiot and you should never say things like that out loud. It’s just a basic rule in life. You could actually make the argument that I deserved to have my bags lost. I wouldn’t disagree.

My bag was delivered to my hotel room about 18 hours later.

Five days later, we were scheduled to fly out of Toronto at 2:50 p.m. We would arrive in Minneapolis at 4:05, giving me plenty of time to prep for “The Bachelor.”

But then our flight got delayed. And delayed again. And then one more time for fun.

We finally took off at 6:30. But the damage was already done. I was going to miss the first half of my show. I even tweeted at Air Canada, but apparently my mother runs their Twitter account.

I apologize for the delay on the power rankings. But don’t blame me. Blame Air Canada.

  1. JoJo

JoJo has emerged as the favorite. She’s not my favorite, but she seems to be Ben’s, which is really all that matters.

Ben and JoJo’s date at Wrigley Field was almost too hot to handle. There is definitely a huge attraction there, but apart of me is still pretty certain 20 percent of JoJo is batshit crazy. We know for sure that one of her brothers is. The previews gave that away.

JoJo is cool and chill. She seems genuine. Her special talent is making a 3-leaf clover with her tongue, so she’s probably into some stuff.

I feel like something is going to happen soon, though, that’s going to be full of drama. It might be the brother thing. It might be something else. I just have that feeling. And let me tell you, when I have that feeling, there’s a 79 percent chance I’m wrong.

  1. Lauren

She’s my favorite. Fine, I’ll say it. Whatever. She seems nice, she’s good looking, she rocked that blue dress on opening night and she knows who Paul George is.

My favorite moment comes from when that biotch Leah tried to throw Lauren under the bus. Lauren was legitimately confused and hurt. Everyone knows that feeling. Everyone’s been accused of something they didn’t do and when that accusation comes along, you’re confused, hurt and nervous. More than you probably would be if it were completely true.

Her and Ben’s date was fine. Not super sexy, but it was cool to see her look comfortable in front of a bunch of kids.

Breaking news: Relationships aren’t just sexy dates with expensive wine. In fact, most of the time it’s not that. Relationships are more Netflix and Cheez-Its than Netflix and chill.

The date was a good one, but I think Ben still has what Leah said in the back of his mind. It would be hard not to. You want your partner to be able to get along with other people. And after getting somewhat blindsided by Olivia, it’s easy to see why Ben would have concerns.

I hope this all works itself out and Lauren advances to the finals.

  1. Caila

This was tough. You could flip Caila and Amanda if you wanted to.

Things Caila has going for her:

  • Same job as Ben.
  • Killer smile.
  • Was fine with a naked Kevin Hart in a hot tub with Ben.
  • Ben called his last date with Caila one of the bests of his life, even though it was super confusing and I had no idea what Caila was talking about.

Things Caila does not have going for her:

  • We don’t really know her, do we?
  • She hasn’t put herself out there like the rest of the ladies have.
  • I haven’t seen her drink yet.

Caila is going to need to separate herself from the field and stop being so boring. Right now, we just don’t know enough to know if she’s right or wrong for Ben.

Again, I’ll remind you that Caila broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on “The Bachelorette.” There is some crazy in there. She just needs to let it out.

  1. Amanda

Amanda was one of my favorites going into the season. She’s super nice. But the whole mom thing is an issue that will be brought up in the next episode.

She has two kids. These kids aren’t Ben’s. It’s the mature thing for Ben to think that he can handle the kids and he’d probably be a great father. But is that what he wants? Most 26-year-olds aren’t about hitching their wagon to a buggy full of baggage – with two kids in the backseat.

Amanda got a rose on the 3-on-1, but let’s be honest, Caila was super awkward on the date and you could tell Ben already knew things weren’t going to work with Becca.

This was a short post. My apologies. I wanted to make sure I get this up before the weekend.

As always, thanks for reading.

Bachelor Power Rankings | WTF Olivia

 

This week’s Bachelor episode ended in “To Be Continued” which I hate. This is the Netflix era, ABC. You can’t do us like that.

Spoiler: Ben sent Jubilee home because she sits like a crazy person.

The episode ended after Amanda and Emily told Ben that Olivia is a bully. And props to them. I think it was Emily who asked whether or not she could love someone who can have feelings for someone as horrible as Olivia. And that’s a legit question. Especially for a show like “The Bachelor.” We aren’t used to that.

This is the show that had a Bachelor who said, “Es OK” 20 times an episode.

Without delay, here are this week’s rankings. Enjoy.

1.) Lauren B.

Ben and Lauren B. made out at least four times this week. He took her away from the girls for what seemed to be at least 20 minutes, or enough for Lace (miss you) to get absolutely shitfaced.

I’m not sure if Ben likes it or not when Lauren B. says things about being with him forever, meeting his parents and adopting Amanda’s kids. But things seem to be going great with these two.

(OK, she didn’t say one of those things.)

Side-note: Lauren B. is 5 feet 7 inches tall. WUT? She looks like she’s a foot short The internet doesn’t lie, though.

Yes, I’ve read all their bios.

I’ve also noticed Lauren B. is genuinely pleased when someone else gets a one-on-one date. That’s probably because she knows she has this shit locked up already.

2.) JoJo

JoJo was pretty chill in this episode. She wore a Beetlejuice top at what was supposed to be the rose ceremony and we confirmed that her and Becca are the only two people on the show that drink beer.

Despite having a minimal role throughout most of the episode, JoJo did the right thing when grabbing Ben after he dismissed Jubilee. We were all expecting Olivia to pop out and starting complaining about her damn cankles again. Good for JoJo.

3.) Amanda

I just want to know how Amanda looked so damn flawless when she woke up at 4 a.m. for her one-on-one date? It takes me at least three hours after waking up before I look like a human being. Then again, that probably has to do with the eight glasses of wine I had last night.

Amanda is sweet. Her last husband was a scumbag. And her and Ben’s date didn’t include a hot tub. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. Or maybe an intern dropped the ball.

Props to her and the other girls for ratting out Olivia. If one girl does it, you never know how Ben would have taken it. But two. Well, we could be on our way to sending Olivia home.

Question for you: Is Amanda’s voice annoying or sweet? I can’t tell.

3.) Caila

Not much to report on the Caila front. She needs to get back into the game somehow, though.

Reminder: Caila admitted to breaking up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben ON TV. Again. That is something you should never, ever admit. It’s like telling someone you collect hamsters who has never met you before. Or like farting on the first date. Just hold it in.

4.) Becca

She drinks beer and she’s still a virgin. That’s pretty much it out of Becca-land.

5.) Lauren H. 

I still don’t know what to think about Lauren H. She’s not at all like the other girls. She’s a lot like JoJo in the fact that she just doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thinks. She’s kind of nerdy and definitely got good looking at a late age. She doesn’t act like a “hot girl.”

Yet, I’m not completely sold that Ben is attracted to her. She’s got everything together, unlike some of the others, but it doesn’t leave much mystery.

The fashion show was fun and Ben’s hair looks much better with some volume. Do with that advice what you will, Ben Higgins.

The real question is if a contestant can win after dressing up like a chicken for a talent show. Huge obstacles to overcome. I once missed 14 free throws in a middle school basketball game, though, so anything is possible.

6.) Olivia

My God. Olivia is the worst.

And she’s 23 years old. Think about how much you’d hate her if you worked with her. You would definitely have side email chains going on with coworkers. This is also your opportunity to feel extremely old and worthless.

I’m 25 and I had Cheerios for lunch. I’ve definitely got my shit together.

With Olivia, it’s not necessarily just that fact that she’s a giant, well, you know. She’s insecure (cankles, toes). She has bad breath. She looks into everything.

“Ben grabbed my waist. It’s a sign.”

STFU. No it’s not.

And with all of that, it looked like she was going back on top of the power rankings after getting a rose from Ben (over Lauren B.). But then Emily and Amanda snitched on Olivia and shit hit that fan. We think. We all have Olivia on the bottom of our mental rankings, but the “To Be Continued” leaves some mystery. We don’t know how Ben reacts to this. In a podcast I listen to, Ben admits that he has no idea what is going on behind the scenes during the season. He’s off by  himself until the dates.

Just something to consider. Olivia is the worst, but Ben probably doesn’t know that yet.

7.) Jennifer

I want Jennifer to be higher. She seems nice and like she has a good sense of humor, but we really don’t know anything yet. She spoke up a little to Ben this week. Maybe a one-on-one next week?

She certainly needs it.

8.) Emily

Emily won’t win, but she beat out her twin sister, so she’s already a winner in mom’s book.

She did a good thing throwing Olivia under the bus, much like she threw her sister under the bus.

But then there was the awkward conversation with her sister on the phone. Was she crying? Was she laughing? Was her sister like, ‘Yeah, umm. Remember when Ben picked you over me in front of mom and our fat dogs? I don’t want to talk about this.’

I would also like to know what her new occupation is. Former twin? Twin killer?

9.) Leah

She’s an intern, right?

It kind of speaks to how little he felt for Jubilee considering he’s keeping around Leah, a person I’ve never seen him talk to yet.

That’s all I’ve got this week. Talk to you folks next week.