Bachelor Power Rankings | “I Like Hot Dogs”

I left this episode with more questions than answers.

This column is late because I decided to watch the Cavaliers and Warriors game instead of “The Bachelor” on Monday night which was definitely one of the worst four decisions I’ve ever made in my life. In retrospect, I would rather watch the soccer match from episode three than the Cavs and Warriors. Just kidding. That soccer game looked like pure torture for any spectator. I’m sure Alex Morgan had an absolute blast.

This episode marked the goodbye of Lace. Lace went from being the crazy alcoholic in the first two episodes to someone you actually felt for in episode three. Good for her for leaving for those reasons – if those indeed are her reasons. If it’s because her publicist told her to leave because it would increase her chances of being the next Bachelorette, well hell, that’s a pretty good reason, too. And props to her for quoting her tattoo. That takes heart.

Without further delay, here are this week’s rankings.

1.) JoJo

“But Kyle, she didn’t even get a date this week. How is she No. 1?”

Welcome back, imaginary reader. I’ve missed you. That’s true. JoJo didn’t get a date, but she actually benefited from it. Lauren B. had a date with Ben, and it was fine, but it was also pretty vanilla. Jubilee had a date, but we are starting to see that she has many layers of craziness.

JoJo didn’t cry. She hasn’t freaked out yet. She’s just kind of doing her thing like a normal person would. Props to JoJo. I sense big things coming from her.

Also, I really wish the “The Bachelor” producers thought a little more and put someone named K-Ci on the show. Next time.

2.)  Lauren B.


Yes, this date was pretty vanilla. There didn’t seem to be a lot going on, but that might be a good thing. You get the sense that Lauren B. is still trying to figure out if she can love Ben, which is a reasonable thing to figure out considering she just met this guy two weeks ago.

A few observations on this date:

  • A hot tub in the middle of the field? What the hell? I still can’t  make coffee and these guys are putting a hot tub in the middle of a damn field. SMDH.
  • Lauren B’s dad is the ultimate dad. Loving that lawn.
  • Someone named Lucy Angel played for Ben and Lauren B. in a barn. Who is Lucy Angel? Based on musical guests, Ben is way more about Caila than Lauren B.

3.) Olivia

Ugh. She is so unlikable. AND SHE HAS BAD BREATH AND GROSS TOES. So she’s pretty much the worst.

She got the last rose and I don’t think that’s anything to look into. Maybe to show the other contestants that it’s still an open race. And Olivia telling us that Ben grabbed her waste a little bit when he gave her the rose… Stop looking into shit like that. That’s like trying to translate what a smiley face meant when your crush sent it to you in 9th grade.

It means nothing.

For an attractive woman, Olivia makes some pretty frightening faces. Coming from a former newscaster, that’s kind of odd.

Her worst moment from episode three was when Ben told the contestants that he lost two members of his community. Who were these people? I don’t know. But the first person to pull him aside was Olivia, because of course it was.

Instead of being like, “Ben, I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything you need, I’m here for you.”

Instead she starts balling about her cankles and how she hates her lower body (there’s a slight chance this was an edit, but I’m just going to pretend it wasn’t). My God lady. It looks like she’s going to have a breakdown next episode which should excite all of us.

Also, “News Olivia” has better hair than “Bachelor Olivia.”

4.) Jubilee

For a person with so many layers, it’s kind of weird that she likes hot dogs. Such a basic food for such a sophisticated woman.

Jubilee is awkward, but also kind of funny. It works because no other girl on the show has really shown any personality at all. I’m not sure if the personality is right for Ben, but it’s refreshing to see for him, I’m guessing.

Did she overreact when she cried after Amber (ugh, Amber) wanted to bring her to the group to put her on the hot seat? Maybe. But that is kind of a shitty situation to be thrown into.

“Hey, Jubilee. Come here. We’re all going to tell you what we don’t like about you! It’ll be fun!”

I don’t think she’ll win, but it spoke volumes when Ben stuck up for her in the bathroom.

5.) Caila

Caila was a non-factor in this episode, besides when she cried to JoJo about the thought of Ben dating other women on the show. Because, you know, THAT’S WHAT THE WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT.

If Caila wouldn’t have said that she broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on “The Bachelorette,” she would definitely be in the top three.

6.) The Twins

I don’t know their names. I’m not sure Ben does either, because he calls them off back-to-back during the rose ceremonies as if they can’t be separated. I know that one is a really good soccer goalie and one is sneakily funny. Maybe that’s the same twin. I have no idea.

7.) Jennifer

We don’t know much about Jennifer yet besides that her and Ben made out randomly in episode two. Just a hunch, but she’s someone to keep an eye on.

Random thought: If I was the Bachelor, I would drink all the time, play video games and watch sports. This would be real-life training for all the contestants.

8.) Becca

We learned nothing about Becca during this episode, so I’ll just copy and paste what I wrote last week.

What do we know about Becca?

She was on the last Bachelor. She claims she’s a virgin. And she was sneakily really good at basketball in the last episode.

Something’s up here… If things don’t work out, are we looking at the next Bachelorette?

9.) Amanda

Amanda took a big fall from being No. 3 last week.

When Amanda told Ben she was there to talk if he needed them, I got a huge ‘friendzone’ or ‘mom’ vibe from her. And trust me, I know a thing or two about the friendzone. I lived in it from 12 to 22.

Ben might be unlovable. But after not dating for three years, is it possible that Amanda has no clue what she’s doing?

I hope her kids liked the hair clips the intern made for her.

10.) Leah, Rachel

Yeah. No idea really who these people are. I just know Rachel is 23 and unemployed, which makes her relatable to every 23-year-old person watching the show.

11.) Lauren H.

I published this and forgot to mention Lauren H. So whatever. Here she is.

This isn’t a great sign for you, Lauren. FYI.

12.) Amber

She’s the worst. She’s 30. And that’s fine. But she includes herself in all of these stupid games. You don’t have to attack Jubilee when you both have roses. Probably not the best sign when Ben stands up for Jubilee when Amber was in the bathroom telling Jubilee how horrible she is. Ben was basically like, “Yo Amber, gimme that rose back.”

She’ll be gone next week.

That’s all I’ve got this week. Talk to you cats on Tuesday.

NFL Divisional Round Picks | Do The Steelers Have A Chance?

Kansas City at New England

Are the Chiefs good? I have no idea.

Any team that wins 11 straight games in the NFL is probably pretty good, but the only really impressive wins the Chiefs have on their resume are against the Steelers in Week 7 and the Broncos in Week 10.

And guess what, KC fans? Those weren’t really all that impressive now that we look back. The Steelers were starting Landry Jones.

The Broncos had Peyton Manning, but Manning threw four interceptions on 20 attempts, leaving the game with a foot injury.

Again, 11 straight wins is something you can’t take away from any NFL team. And how the hell does a team get better after losing its best player (Jamaal Charles)? It’s happened to the Seahawks, too, and I don’t understand, which is probably why they are professional athletes and I ate Cheez-Its for dinner last night. It sounds like Jeremy Maclin will be out, so maybe that’s a good thing? I don’t know anymore.

This will be the biggest test for the Chiefs. It sounds like the Patriots will have Julian Edelman and Rob Gronkowski back, even though there’s a 120 percent chance Gronk won’t be able to walk in 10 years.

For any other team, inserting guys back into the lineup would be problematic. Maybe the team presses too much to get him involved in the offense. For the Patriots that won’t be problem because they’re the effing Patriots. This is what they do. Put in the popcorn boy at wide receiver and watch him rack up 120 yards. Jesus. It’s almost unfair.

This is a tougher game to pick than it appears, but I don’t see Tom Brady and the Patriots losing at home. It won’t be a blowout because Kansas City’s defense is too good and I’m not sure if New England’s is.

Patriots 28, Chiefs 24

Green Bay at Arizona

Man, we really underrated how good Jordy Nelson was, huh?

Randall Cobb is a nice player, but he’s not a No. 1 guy and Davante Adams (who isn’t playing in this game) might be Aaron Rodgers’ least-favorite human being. And then there’s Eddie Lacy who’s just busy eating everything.

The Packers aren’t a good team. Last weekend’s win over the Redskins was fine, but let’s not forget that the Redskins haven’t beat a team with a winning record this season.

Rodgers is great, but he hasn’t mastered the Brady tool of turning shit into fool’s gold yet.

The Packers lost 38-8 to the Cardinals in Week 16 and I’m not so sure it’s going to go any better for the Packers fans this time around.

The Cardinals are without the Honey Badger, but with Green Bay’s limited offense, they can probably get by. Arizona has the smartest coach left in the NFC and probably the smartest quarterback as well. David Johnson is a freaking beast and Larry Fitzgerald, John Brown and Michael Floyd are all receivers who could go for 100-plus yards.

Hopefully my Packer-loving roommate isn’t reading this.

It’s just the truth.

Cardinals 35, Packers 13

Seattle at Carolina

JUST MAKE THE FIELD GOAL, BLAIR! TWENTY SEVEN YARDS! MY GOD!

OK. I’m done.

People are still calling the Seahawks the hottest team in the NFC but let’s not forget that they lost to the shitty Rams in Week 16 and scored just 10 points last week. With that being said, this is a huge challenge for the Panthers and I’m guessing most people think the Seahawks will win.

Is Marshawn Lynch playing? If you’re a Seattle fan, do you want him to play? I’m not quite sure.

This might be the best game to watch over the weekend, and of course it’s on at noon on Sunday. Why not put this game at 7 p.m. on Sunday? Whatever.

Russell Wilson should scare Panthers fans. He’s rolling right now, but Josh Norman should be able to shut down Doug Baldwin.

If you’re starting a franchise, do you take Wilson or Cam Newton? That’s a legitimate question.

This might be the game when Carolina’s lack of wide receivers comes back to bite the Panthers. Ted Ginn Jr. can’t be the best wide receiver for a Super Bowl team, right? Greg Olsen is great and if the Seahawks line Kam Chancellor on him, the Panthers should try to take advantage of that – something the Vikings did too late in last week’s game.

The Seahawks are my least-favorite team in the NFL, mostly because they think God wants them to win more than any other team. If God is cheering for football teams, we are probably all doomed.

I don’t know who has the edge here but I’m cheering for the Panthers. I’m also cheering for a Richie Sherman meltdown.

Panthers 31, Seahawks 28

Pittsburgh at Denver

The Steelers had 13-1 odds to win the Super Bowl going into the playoffs. With weapons like Ben Roethlisberger, Antonio Brown and a soon-to-be healthy running back in DeAngelo Williams, it seemed like a great value bet.

But now everyone is hurt and the odds are not in the Steelers’ favor.

Big Ben probably can’t throw more than 20 yards right now. Williams isn’t going to play. Brown is concussed thanks to Adam Pac Man Jones, who in my opinion, should be suspended just for being a terrible person. But Greg Hardy played 10 games last season, so that’s not going to happen.

If you’re a Steelers fan, your hope is that Peyton Manning implodes and throws duck-after-duck, putting Pittsburgh’s offense in good position. And that’s a very possible thing. It would be an incredible sad way for Manning to go out, but this is how far he’s fallen. He’s still probably the smartest quarterback in the league, but the physical tools aren’t there anymore. Manning threw nine touchdowns and 17 interceptions this season.

THAT’S NOT GOOD!

Denver’s defense, though, is good, and with Pittsburgh’s beat-up offense, this could be a dream for the Broncos.

I don’t think so, though. Roethlisberger heals faster than any human should and seems to always find ways to win games he probably shouldn’t.

I think this is one of those games.

(I immediately regret this decision.)

Steelers 17, Broncos 14

That’s all I’ve got for today. Enjoy your weekend.

The Bachelor Power Rankings | Episode 2

 

He doesn’t watch “The Bachelor.” – They said.

Well, you’re wrong. I do. I’m a 25-year-old dude who watched “The Bachelor” over the National Championship game on Monday night. Am I embarrassed? No. This is who I am.

One of my best friends from high school, Adam,  sent a text to my buddy Nick and me on Monday night.

What a crazy game…

Nick and I both responded back thinking he was talking about “The Bachelor.”

He wasn’t.

A few things before we get to this week’s rankings:

  • Ben Higgins is sooooooooooooooooooooo boring.
  • LB thought so, too.
  • Mandi went home after winning Homecoming Queen proving that you truly can’t win them all.

Without further delay, here are the power rankings after the second episode of this season.

1.) Olivia

Olivia is a cold-blooded killer. She might be in this for love. She’s definitely in it for fame. And she’s probably the favorite right now.

She and Ben haven’t had a meaningful conversation yet, but when the two are together they are like to hyenas who can’t keep their hands off of each other.

We’re probably going to enter dangerous territory soon. Like the territory you and your college hookup entered when you realized you haven’t had a meaningful conversation in three years (what she wanted from Toppers doesn’t count).

You want it to keep going, but it’s something that will destroy you eventually and ruin a chance at any other relationship. This is what Olivia is to Ben right now. It’s fun. They make out a lot. But at some point, there needs to be some substance there.

(Actually, there doesn’t. We went through a season of Juan Pablo… “Shhh… Es OK.”)

2.) Caila

Caila received the first one-on-one date, even though it was kind of ruined by the over-promotion of “Ride Along 2.”
(PS – Make “Ride Along 2” rated R and you’ll have me interested. No F bombs and no nudity? No thanks.)

Caila and Ben seemed to have real chemistry and Amos Lee even dropped by for a visit. Kevin Hart, Ice Cube and Amos Lee on the first date?! I once took a girl to Old Country Buffet for a date. So, yeah, pretty much the same thing.

(That didn’t work out, in case you were wondering.)

I’m warming up to Caila. Let’s not forget, though, that she claimed to break up with her boyfriend after seeing Ben on “The Bachelorette.” If that doesn’t scream “I’m maybe a little nuts,” I’m not sure what does.

3.) Amanda

Let’s review Amanda for a bit…

Two kids. 25 years old. Divorced. This is the first time she’s “dated” since her divorce.

Wow. A lot is going on here. But she’s attractive and kind of has this innocence about her. Ben made hair clips for Amanda’s daughters, which was definitely an intern’s idea. She’s someone to keep an eye on.

4.) JoJo

It seems like she’s going to be a major player this season. Ben’s made out with her already, right?  I think so. Rating her this high is more of a hunch than anything else.

Also, she’s 24 years old.

Does anyone else feel old?

Ben, you’re 26! You don’t need to find love. You need to pay off your student loans. Stop making all of us look bad.

5.) Jubilee

I would keep Jubilee around simply because I’d be afraid of her giving me some sort of weird military headlock if I didn’t give her a rose.

(Is that a thing? A weird military headlock? It’s a thing, right?)

It’s still too early to get a read on Jubilee, but she’s already opened up to Ben and that seems like a good thing. Plus, I saw her in a swimsuit in the previews. That’s never a bad sign.

6.) Lauren B

New rule for Lauren B: She must wear the baby blue dress she wore on night one. Straight fire.

7.) Jennifer

Ben kissed her, right?

8.) Becca

What do we know about Becca?

She was on the last Bachelor. She claims she’s a virgin. And she was sneakily really good at basketball in the last episode.

Something’s up here… If things don’t work out, are we looking at the next Bachelorette?

9.) Lace

LACE. Oh my God. Lace.

Someone hide the wine from Lace. Shit. Never mind. Give her more wine. If Lace is not slurring her words 40 minutes into an episode, something is wrong. Or Jubilee put her in one of those headlocks.

We overlook the fact that she cares (probably because she’s drunk).

She wants to get alone time with Ben. That’s a plus.

The bad news is that she’s always drunk.

She complains when others cut her off from talking to Ben, but that’s kind of been her jam in the first four hours of this season.

She tells Ben she’s not crazy.

Guess what THE tell-tale sign of a crazy person is? WHEN THEY TELL YOU THEY AREN’T CRAZY!

It’s the girl in college who says “I don’t normally do this…”

SHE MOST DEFINITELY DOES NORMALLY DO THIS!

But hey, at least Lace’s skin doesn’t smell sour.

10.) Shushanna

Wait, she speaks English? What was this whole episode one nonsense of her just speaking Russian?

11.) The Twins

These girls are the stereotypical blonde twins that producers dream of. They are good looking. They laugh at the same things. They say “like” five times per sentence. And it doesn’t seem like either one has a personality.

Ben has to split these girls up. Eliminate one in hopes that the other shows you something.

Side-note: I love that for jobs, they just have “Twins” listed. It was almost as good as the Chicken Enthusiast. RIP Chicken Enthusiast.

12.)  Amber

You can’t complain about not talking to Ben when you’ve made no effort to. This is the only time I’ll ever write this: Be more like Lace.

13.) Jami, Lauren H., Leah and Rachel

I literally have no idea who these people are.

Hello. It’s Me.

It’s about time.

I’ve had this domain now for about three months. And yet I haven’t published a thing.

Why?

Nervousness, probably. After writing nearly every day for a blog in college and while living in my parents’ basement (sometimes drinking a tasty Mike’s Hard Lemonade), I’ve stopped blogging entirely. It’s not that I’ve stopped writing, though. I am still the Web Editor for the Minnesota Timberwolves and Timberwolves.com. I’m probably writing two or three things every single day.

 
But it’s not like the stuff I used to write. The stuff (here comes the humble brag) that won me a 2009 Minnesota Newspaper Award for writing a column title Jersey Girls. 

(Not about girls from New Jersey. About girls who loved them some college athletes. Did I eliminate myself from dating 50% of the campus by writing that? Maybe. But let’s be honest, I’m 5’10, 140 pounds. I was already eliminated.)

That’s more of a criticism of myself than it is bragging. I wish I wouldn’t have gone away from that and it’s actually kind of sad I did. When I felt the best about myself as a person, I was writing creatively daily. A lot of stuff that was probably a bit controversial, but always in a light-hearted tone.

The closest thing I can compare it to is my “Reminiscing With Ratke” column I write weekly for the Timberwolves.

Timberwolves.com is a great platform, but it’s hard to be creative daily when you’re A.) the writer that is employed by the team and B.) you can only write so much when the team has won just 24 games combined in the last two years. That’s not being mean. That’s the truth. And it’s been a professional challenge of mine.

But let’s stop getting sappy and start getting positive.

This is the first post of what will be multiple per week.

Well, what will the topics be, Kyle?

Welcome back, imaginary reader. The topics will consist pretty much of everything from sports to politics to movies and music. I’ll probably stay away from basketball being I write about that daily at work. My takes won’t exactly be “hot” and it probably wouldn’t be responsible of me to share some of my basketball opinions on any site that isn’t the one that pays my student loans off.

If you were familiar with my last blog, The Kid’s Take (which no longer exists because I had to pay my student loans), this will be very similar to that. Mike Hagstrom (a friend of mine from high school who I have plenty of stories about but I’ll refrain… for now) is once again helping me out with the site. Right now, it’s a bit bland, but we’ll get it populated with plenty of content and hopefully, a weekly podcast will return.

I don’t have much else to write for now. It’s 4:15 p.m. on a game day here at the office, so things are pretty busy.

I plan to check in again tomorrow with my Bachelor power rankings, something I hope to do weekly.

That wasn’t a joke.

I’ll also have football picks on Friday before this weekend’s slate of games. I’m just going to keep pretending that the Vikings missed the playoffs entirely.

Thanks for reading the first of many posts on this site.

It’s good to be back.