I left this episode with more questions than answers.
This column is late because I decided to watch the Cavaliers and Warriors game instead of “The Bachelor” on Monday night which was definitely one of the worst four decisions I’ve ever made in my life. In retrospect, I would rather watch the soccer match from episode three than the Cavs and Warriors. Just kidding. That soccer game looked like pure torture for any spectator. I’m sure Alex Morgan had an absolute blast.
This episode marked the goodbye of Lace. Lace went from being the crazy alcoholic in the first two episodes to someone you actually felt for in episode three. Good for her for leaving for those reasons – if those indeed are her reasons. If it’s because her publicist told her to leave because it would increase her chances of being the next Bachelorette, well hell, that’s a pretty good reason, too. And props to her for quoting her tattoo. That takes heart.
Without further delay, here are this week’s rankings.
“But Kyle, she didn’t even get a date this week. How is she No. 1?”
Welcome back, imaginary reader. I’ve missed you. That’s true. JoJo didn’t get a date, but she actually benefited from it. Lauren B. had a date with Ben, and it was fine, but it was also pretty vanilla. Jubilee had a date, but we are starting to see that she has many layers of craziness.
JoJo didn’t cry. She hasn’t freaked out yet. She’s just kind of doing her thing like a normal person would. Props to JoJo. I sense big things coming from her.
Also, I really wish the “The Bachelor” producers thought a little more and put someone named K-Ci on the show. Next time.
2.) Lauren B.
Yes, this date was pretty vanilla. There didn’t seem to be a lot going on, but that might be a good thing. You get the sense that Lauren B. is still trying to figure out if she can love Ben, which is a reasonable thing to figure out considering she just met this guy two weeks ago.
A few observations on this date:
- A hot tub in the middle of the field? What the hell? I still can’t make coffee and these guys are putting a hot tub in the middle of a damn field. SMDH.
- Lauren B’s dad is the ultimate dad. Loving that lawn.
- Someone named Lucy Angel played for Ben and Lauren B. in a barn. Who is Lucy Angel? Based on musical guests, Ben is way more about Caila than Lauren B.
Ugh. She is so unlikable. AND SHE HAS BAD BREATH AND GROSS TOES. So she’s pretty much the worst.
She got the last rose and I don’t think that’s anything to look into. Maybe to show the other contestants that it’s still an open race. And Olivia telling us that Ben grabbed her waste a little bit when he gave her the rose… Stop looking into shit like that. That’s like trying to translate what a smiley face meant when your crush sent it to you in 9th grade.
It means nothing.
For an attractive woman, Olivia makes some pretty frightening faces. Coming from a former newscaster, that’s kind of odd.
Her worst moment from episode three was when Ben told the contestants that he lost two members of his community. Who were these people? I don’t know. But the first person to pull him aside was Olivia, because of course it was.
Instead of being like, “Ben, I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything you need, I’m here for you.”
Instead she starts balling about her cankles and how she hates her lower body (there’s a slight chance this was an edit, but I’m just going to pretend it wasn’t). My God lady. It looks like she’s going to have a breakdown next episode which should excite all of us.
Also, “News Olivia” has better hair than “Bachelor Olivia.”
For a person with so many layers, it’s kind of weird that she likes hot dogs. Such a basic food for such a sophisticated woman.
Jubilee is awkward, but also kind of funny. It works because no other girl on the show has really shown any personality at all. I’m not sure if the personality is right for Ben, but it’s refreshing to see for him, I’m guessing.
Did she overreact when she cried after Amber (ugh, Amber) wanted to bring her to the group to put her on the hot seat? Maybe. But that is kind of a shitty situation to be thrown into.
“Hey, Jubilee. Come here. We’re all going to tell you what we don’t like about you! It’ll be fun!”
I don’t think she’ll win, but it spoke volumes when Ben stuck up for her in the bathroom.
Caila was a non-factor in this episode, besides when she cried to JoJo about the thought of Ben dating other women on the show. Because, you know, THAT’S WHAT THE WHOLE SHOW IS ABOUT.
If Caila wouldn’t have said that she broke up with her boyfriend because she saw Ben on “The Bachelorette,” she would definitely be in the top three.
6.) The Twins
I don’t know their names. I’m not sure Ben does either, because he calls them off back-to-back during the rose ceremonies as if they can’t be separated. I know that one is a really good soccer goalie and one is sneakily funny. Maybe that’s the same twin. I have no idea.
We don’t know much about Jennifer yet besides that her and Ben made out randomly in episode two. Just a hunch, but she’s someone to keep an eye on.
Random thought: If I was the Bachelor, I would drink all the time, play video games and watch sports. This would be real-life training for all the contestants.
We learned nothing about Becca during this episode, so I’ll just copy and paste what I wrote last week.
What do we know about Becca?
She was on the last Bachelor. She claims she’s a virgin. And she was sneakily really good at basketball in the last episode.
Something’s up here… If things don’t work out, are we looking at the next Bachelorette?
Amanda took a big fall from being No. 3 last week.
When Amanda told Ben she was there to talk if he needed them, I got a huge ‘friendzone’ or ‘mom’ vibe from her. And trust me, I know a thing or two about the friendzone. I lived in it from 12 to 22.
Ben might be unlovable. But after not dating for three years, is it possible that Amanda has no clue what she’s doing?
I hope her kids liked the hair clips the intern made for her.
10.) Leah, Rachel
Yeah. No idea really who these people are. I just know Rachel is 23 and unemployed, which makes her relatable to every 23-year-old person watching the show.
11.) Lauren H.
I published this and forgot to mention Lauren H. So whatever. Here she is.
This isn’t a great sign for you, Lauren. FYI.
She’s the worst. She’s 30. And that’s fine. But she includes herself in all of these stupid games. You don’t have to attack Jubilee when you both have roses. Probably not the best sign when Ben stands up for Jubilee when Amber was in the bathroom telling Jubilee how horrible she is. Ben was basically like, “Yo Amber, gimme that rose back.”
She’ll be gone next week.
That’s all I’ve got this week. Talk to you cats on Tuesday.