Personality isn’t the foundation that this show is based on, I know, but Robby doesn’t seem like a guy who has friends. Which is sad and I hate to say that about someone, but it’s true.
Robby seems like he’s constantly worried and/or hiding something.
Generally where there’s smoke there’s fire. And there’s more to his breakup with his girlfriend.
Maybe he didn’t break up with his girlfriend just to get on the show, but why are we acting like that’s not a smart career move? Moral? No. But this is the damn Bachelorette. Let’s settle down with this moral compass bullshit.
His ex-girlfriend’s roommate is talking smack about Robby and that’s normally not a good thing. If you don’t/didn’t get along with your girlfriend’s best friend, chances are you done messed up or you suck. I’ll give Robby the combo platter.
I don’t think Robby will get eliminated. It’ll probably be Chase, the poor man’s Jordan Rodgers.
But I think Robby sucks. And he sucks at Instagram.
Jordan is still the favorite. Yeah, it sucks that JoJo won’t be able to hang out with Olivia Munn, but such is life.
I had a few issues with their hometown date.
First off, why isn’t there a goddamn statue of Aaron Rodgers at this school? If you produced Aaron Rodgers, why the hell would you have pictures of anyone else on the wall? Especially a nerdy looking Jordan Rodgers. Rodgers wasn’t even that good as a senior, throwing 14 touchdowns and eight interceptions in 12 games. His team went 8-3-1. That’s fine. Good for you. You’re still not Aaron Rodgers. When JoJo asked him if a picture was Aaron, Jordan didn’t even look at the picture. He looked broken.
JoJo couldn’t help to notice that something was missing during dinner. But if the family just didn’t put two empty damn chairs there nothing would have seemed like it was missing. Take the chairs out and spread out a little. Obviously a move from the producers, but still obnoxious.
Jordan is going to win, but we’ve known that for quite a while already.
It must have been like three years ago. I was at Bar Louie (obviously sober) with a few buddies from college. My friend AC, who is definitely not reading this, was rooting for Snedeker. I knew absolutely nothing about Snedeker, and I still don’t. But AC is a smart golf mind and hey, 50/1 odds were good, right?
(Not exactly. I’ve seen lines of 70/1 since I made that bet. So as always, research (and less alcohol) helps before making bets.)
Why It Won’t Win:
Because he took 22nd place with a +1. He was 21 shots off the lead. Almost had it!
For what it’s worth, Henrik Stenson had 30/1 odds while Phil Mickelson was 40/1.
Bruce Arians is one of the best coaches in the NFL and his hat game is fire. He swears like a pirate and I would imagine he likes to have himself an alcohol or two at times.
The Honey Badger is still there. Players like David Johnson and John Brown are only getting better on offense and there’s a good chance we’ll look back and think, ‘how the hell did Robert Nkemdiche fall to them?‘
This seems like easy money, which is exactly why it’ll probably lose. But for a team to regress four wins with pretty much the same cast, well, that seems pretty unlikely.
Why It Won’t Win:
Carson Palmer and Larry Fitzgerald are old and will probably get hurt. Palmer has already torn his ACL like 12 times (twice). He’s 36 years old. If he gets hurt early in the season, so long season. Drew Stanton is fine. But he’s still Drew Stanton.
Eventually, Fitz is going to fall off, right? Maybe not. He just had 1,200 yards for the first time since 2011. But the odds of him repeating that are slim.
As far as the division goes, the Seahawks are still really good. The 49ers are probably going to see a little bit of improvement under Chip Kelly, even if it’s not sustainable long term. The Rams, well, Jeff Fisher is still there, so they’ll probably finish 7-9 because that’s what Jeff Fisher does. But this is a tough division. One major injury or slip up and it’s easy to fall into rebuilding mode. The 49ers were a disaster last season and they were just in the Super Bowl four years ago. Things can change quickly.
Because the Vikings are my team and if they don’t win 10 games this season, the hell with it all. They won 10 last season and this is a team on the rise. Teddy Bridgewater is getting better. The wide receiving group isn’t flashy, but they got rid of Mike Wallace who gave about as much effort last season as as my cat does to not be a total dick all the time. Zero.
Plus, this unit is moving indoors! Teddy Two Gloves gets to sling it around US Bank Stadium. We’ve been hard on Teddy, but have you ever tried to throw a football 30 times when it’s five degrees and you’re getting your ass kicked 25 times by 300-pound guys? Me neither, but I imagine it sucks.
The offensive line is better. Andre Smith and Alex Boone were nice additions and really, it can’t get worse than last season. Matt Kalil is probably going to suck again, but whatever. He’s better than Trent Richardson.
Teddy didn’t make the jump we wanted him to, but again, it’s not easy when you’re getting no protection at all. That should improve this season.
Defensively, this is going to be a top-5 unit. Harrison Smith, Xavier Rhodes, Anthony Barr, Linval Joseph, Everson Griffin and Eric Kendricks are studs.
Mike Zimmer is the defensive back whisperer and I wouldn’t be shocked if the Vikings had the best pass defense in the league next season.
(Full disclosure: I forgot Trae Waynes was on the team.)
When it comes to the division, the Packers are still the Packers and that won’t be fun. But the Lions lost Calvin Johnson and I don’t know if I can name more than four players on their offense. The Bears still have Jay Cutler, so that’s not a major concern. Unless the game is ‘What quarterback looks more constipated?’
If we’re playing that game, then I’m scared shitless of the Bears.
Why It Won’t Win:
Because Adrian Peterson is getting old (31). History tells us that eventually he’s going to fall of.
In related news, Peterson doesn’t believe in history.
Because Norv Turner is 12 years past his prime.
Because Teddy takes a step back and we all realize we might need to draft another quarterback. What if Bridgewater’s ceiling is Sam Bradford? Are we fine with that?
Because the schedule isn’t the easiest for the Vikings. Packers twice, Giants, Texans (a lot of solid additions), Eagles, Redskins, Cardinals, Cowboys, Jags (Bortles is getting better) and Colts (Luck is back).
OK, the schedule actually looks pretty favorable. I need more reasons why this isn’t going to happen otherwise it’s definitely not going to happen.
Because the Rams are moving to Los Angeles. Don’t sleep on how that transition can effect a club on the field and in the locker room.
The team is coached by Jeff Fisher who has six winning seasons in 21 as a coach. SIX! That isn’t good! He hasn’t won more than eight games since 2008. Why do we think he’s a good coach? The Rams have won 7, 7, 6 and 7 games, respectively, since Fisher arrived.
But yeah, he’s a great coach. Absolutely.
Winning eight or more games with Case Keenum or a rookie quarterback in one of the best defensive conferences in the NFL? No thanks. Six wins seems about right.
Why It Won’t Win:
Because Jared Goff is going to be the next big thing. Everything is going to click for him and while some people struggle playing at home (Goff was born in Novato, CA) , Goff will thrive. It helps when you can hand the ball off to a beast like Todd Gurley 25 times a game.
Also, this defense is still really good. A front unit of Robert Quinn, Michael Brockers, Aaron Donald and Quinton Coples is scary as hell. If this team won seven games with Nick Foles and Case Keenum at starting quarterback, can’t Goff get them one more?
St. Louis is going to have a great team when the Rams move back in six years.
First off, 12/1 odds for this is a horrible bet. I did some more research and it looks like some casinos got up to 18/1. But here we are.
I made this bet because it’s the Vikings. My team. Do I think they are going to win the Super Bowl? No, because then you just set yourself up for disappointment. But I do think this is the best team Minnesota has had since 2009 and the Vikings should have won that Super Bowl.
(Excuse me while I finish a liter of vodka.)
The Vikings were one kick away from advancing out of the Wild Card round last season and nearly every position should improve just from natural development. This team should be better than last season’s team.
I also should have had something more than Cheese-Itz for lunch today, but things don’t always go according to plan.
Why It Won’t Win:
Because on paper, the Patriots, Steelers, Packers, Cardinals and Seahawks look better.
My buddy Joey told me that if I win this bet, it would be the best day of his life. Obviously this has nothing to do with the bet but instead the Vikings winning it all.
To say it would be the best day of his life indicates just how desperate Vikings fans are for a championship.
Joey also got married a year ago, so hopefully his wife isn’t reading this.
I had fun writing this.
Next week I’ll be writing my over/under picks for all 32 NFL teams.
Instead of my normal Bachelor/Bachelorette Power Rankings, I’ve decided to mix things up because we all know that Jordan is probably going to win even though he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons and he smiles with his mouth open too often which is super annoying. Also, how do you get your hair to stay like that? There’s a fine line between the perfect amount of hair product and too much and my god, Jordan hasn’t crossed it once.
Would I want to hang out with Jordan? Probably not unless he was not there and he invited his brother Aaron and Olivia and Aaron left right after that.
That’s the game. Would you rather out with this guy or that guy?
JT was my guy before Monday night’s episode. The singing would get annoying, but he seems like a normal guy and has a soft body, which I thought was illegal in Bachelorette-ville. But he broke one of very few rules the show has in Monday night’s episode. He threw another contestant under the bus.
Does Jordan act like he’s entitled? Yes. But to tell a story about playing cards and how he argued about it? Ugh. Horrible dirt. Unless he killed someone in the house, you keep your mouth shut. Remember how being a rat ended up for Leah with our boy Ben last season? Exactly. Don’t do it.
But he’s going up against Robby. Robby hasn’t shown much of a personality at all. He has a very full beard and he was apparently a professional swimmer at one point in his life. The only thing I really remember about Robby on this season as the he went from 0 to 1,000 real quick when it came to loving JoJo.
James Taylor will probably be eliminated before Robby, but not in the Kyle Ratke sweepstakes.
Let’s hang out, Robby. Maybe you play your guitar, I’ll call our old friend Wells up and we’ll drink some moonshine. Sounds like a killer time.
Chase is like the uglier and less charming version of Jordan, which doesn’t bode well for him in the near future. The good news for Chase is that he seems more authentic than Jordan. Then again, that’s like being a better human than Donald Trump.
Like Robby, Chase is kind of a ‘bla’ guy. Hopefully we learn more about him, but I don’t think I knew who he was until like two weeks ago.
Jordan would be a fascinating guy to hang out with just to learn how he operates. He looks totally fake on TV, but in real life, maybe his looks and charm would fool me. Plus, I could have him tell me football stories about his brother and what being on a practice team is really like.
Interesting tidbit: From what I’ve heard, Jordan and Aaron aren’t exactly best friends. Or even friends at all. So that probably goes the fun possibility that Aaron and Olivia would join for a hometown visit.
CHAD IS BACK! OK, not really in the show. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if we saw him again this season eating a tray full of deli meat.
Alex was the guy who kept complaining about Chad on their 2-on1 with JoJo. Clearly Chad is a crazy person, but you could tell JoJo was like, “Damn, do I have to keep Mighty Mouse, too?”
The answer was yes. Since then, Alex hasn’t been as violent as Chad, nor has he ate as much meat. He has been more annoying, though, and has become the ultimate d-bag.
If you hung out with either guy, you might be murdered within two hours. But with Chad, at least it would be entertaining.
Short post this week. Talk to you cats soon.
UPDATE: I forgot about Luke, which seems dumb because he’s probably in second place in the JoJo Sweepstakes. Unfortunately for Luke, that doesn’t do a whole lot when it comes to hanging out with me. He talks too slow and says ‘like’ too much. The only person he’d beat in this contest is Alex, and honestly, I’d rather have a conversation with my student loan representative than talk to Alex.
I was able to chat with Tim Parachka from 1390 KFAN based in St. Cloud on Saturday morning to chat about “The Bachelorette” and why Evan is a complete d-bag. Tim is a huge Bachelor and Bachelorette fan and we occasionally text about our predictions. Am I proud of that? Yes. Yes I am.
We also chatted about the NBA Draft, and the multiple options the Wolves have with the No. 5 pick.
You can listen to show here. I enter at the 21-minute mark. I suggest you subscribe to Tim’s podcast as well. Dude loves the NBA and has some pretty smart takes, even though his profile picture might not look like it.
For better or worse, I’ve only been able to watch about 20 minutes of this season’s “The Bachelorette.”
I’ve never actually watched a season of it, but after getting hot and heavy into last season of “The Bachelor,” I decided that tonight, June 6, I would start watching the show every Monday night from here on out. It certainly helps that I know JoJo from getting her heart effin’ straight stomped on by Ben last season.
Like I said, I’ve watched 20 minutes of this nonsense with my GF and our neighbor after arriving home from a softball game. So I know pretty much nothing.
Here are a few observations on characters from what I gathered in 20 minutes. Let me know if I’m even remotely close.
JoJo – Still very boring, IMO. I was reminded that she wore a goddamn horse mask the first time she met Ben. She should have been eliminated on the spot. Still trying to figure out what exactly she’s looking for here. At least the contestants know that her dad is part of some sort of mafia, her brothers are huge d-bags and her mom has gone through more plastic surgeries than Janice Dickinson.
Alex – Dude had a super awkward confrontation with Chad after Chad talked to JoJo outside before the rose ceremony. Would I be pissed at Chad? Yeah, but if I knew I was going to confront him like a nervous teen asking a girl to the school dance I just would have been quiet.
Ali – He never talked during the 20 minutes I watched. Nothing to report.
Chad – Chad. This guy. He doesn’t give AF, but he probably should. Chad is the guy that all other guys hate. If you don’t have a guy like Chad in your group, you’re Chad. Sorry. This guy had like 3,000 calories of meat in like 12 minutes. He doesn’t care what other people think, which is sometimes cool, when it has to do with world issues and shit like that. This guy is just a dick and everyone hates him. He reminds me of Olivia. Instead of having weird feet, he just eats a lot of deli meat.
Christian – I thought I saw in the outtakes that he stripped down and jumped in a tub. So that’s kind of weird. And then JoJo just put her feet in the water and her foot “accidentally” touched something under the water. Not sure why this didn’t make the actual show. Seems like it should have.
Derek – Nope.
Daniel – Hoping he does something really stupid so I can be like, “Damn, Daniel!”
Evan – He has loose strands of hair and to be quite frank, that gives me the willies.
Grant – Looks like he should be the lead singer for some sort of indie rock band.
James F. –Looks like a normal dude, which us normal dudes can appreciate.
James Taylor – Apparently he’s a singer and he even played JoJo a song, which is a super original thing to do for a singer. I think it earned him the rose, so his ballsy move paid off. I appreciate the fact that he looks the opposite of Chad, which is sincerely a compliment.
Jordan – This is Aaron Rodgers’ brother, FYI. And sorry, Jordan AKA former pro quarterback (lol), but I find it very hard to believe you lack the ability to find a significant other. This is a straight publicity move by someone who doesn’t need it. Does JoJo know that he’s Aaron Rodgers’ brother yet? Someone answer me. Does Olivia Munn watch the show? Is she reading this blog?
From what I remember, Andy picked Aaron Murray’s brother two seasons ago, so if you’re the less successful brother of an NFL quarterback and single, “The Bachelorette” seems like a natural fit.
Luke B. – Not sure who he is, but his hair needs to do less.
Nick B., Robby, Vinny and Wells – No clue who these guys are, either. I’ll learn tonight. I will say Wells is a sick-ass name.
Update on KAT
We’ve had KAT for a little more than a week now. He’s still the bomb.com. He is starting to go to the bathroom in his poop box, so that’s good. In negative news, he’s starting to bite a little bit more. It was super adorable when he just licked my hand and then fell asleep. Now he’s biting it like Tony The Tiger on crack. That’s alarming. He’s also learned how to climb into bed, which is cool and all at 3 p.m., but not so much at 3 a.m.
That’s all for now. I’ll post something tomorrow to reflect on how big of a d-bag Chad is.
I didn’t think. In fact, just five days ago I would poke fun at those with pet cats, such as my friend Nick (RIP Buttons). How could you grow so close to an animal that literally just sleeps and pees in the middle of the kitchen floor?
Sounds lame. When I got my first pet, it was going to be a dog. A cat wasn’t an option.
So of course, I own a cat. How the hell did this happen?
Our house has had some rodent problems. Our landlord suggested that we invest in a cat to help out. It’s an old house and there’s really not a whole lot we could do to keep them out, but we could purchase a killing machine to eliminate the mice. For me, this was purely a business move.
We came close to getting an older cat, but it fell through. But yeah, to get rid of disgusting rodents, I was down to get a cat.
The second factor might be a little more complicated. My girlfriend, Lindsey, recently lost her dog, who has been a staple of her family for more than a decade. I never understood how much a pet could mean to someone until I saw her reaction in the hours, days and weeks after Kismet’s death.
I have a dog back at home. Her name is Sadie. She kind of sucks. I have no connection with her. Lindsey and Kismet were quite the opposite.
She’s also going to law school in the fall, so it’ll be a nice companion for her as she’s studying after hours while I’m drinking a Mike’s Hard Lemonade watching football.
So, we considered all of this before actually getting the cat, right? I mean, we are closer to 30 than 20, after all (this hurts to admit). There must have been some planning, right?
The answer is absolutely no planning, at all.
Friday night: We got drunk at a wedding.
Saturday: We woke up, still probably kind of not sober. We went to my parents’ place. There was a kitten there (bigger than Sadie, so that kind of tells you more about how Sadie kind of sucks). I didn’t know who this kitten belonged. It turns out, my 19-year-old sister owned it. The little dudet’s name was Eva (I don’t like calling a pet a real person’s name, but then again, who am I to judge what a real person’s name is? I just had a cookie and Red Bull for lunch).
Lindsey and I played with this cat before my mother, who I think was drinking a Dr. Pepper at 8 a.m. because YOLO, told us that whoever gave my sister this kitten had one more left. Were we interested? As I was busy burping up mint Icehole from the night before, Lindsey immediately said ‘YES!’
But we’d probably have to wait a week or two to get the cat, right?
Wrong! My mom volunteered to drive us over there (about a 15-minute drive) to pick it up!
My god. Why is life moving so fast?
Within two hours, we picked up the cat, a bunch of cat stuff (like poop dust and that stuff), and left to go back to the cities.
Over the last 48 hours, I’ve turned into the person I never thought I’d become. And I’m actually pretty chill with it.
I’m talking to my kitten like it’s a damn baby. I even cuddled with the damn thing the other day. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Get To Know KAT
He was born on April 19. We will probably throw a sick kegger or something, so mark your calendar.
Why KAT? Well, I work for the Timberwolves so it’s kind of a natural fit. We put it to a Twitter vote and KAT was the overwhelming winner.
Cornelius was an option because my sister named her fake baby that in middle school. You know, that baby you have to bring home to learn how horrible having a kid is when you’re supposed to be trading Pokemon cards and that shit. Cornelius? Like how did my 12-year-old sister come up with the damn name Cornelius? Props, Amanda. I would’ve been cool with Cornelius.
Hamm’s, of course, was a shoutout to my roommate.
What’s KAT’s personality like? The dude is super cuddly and loves to sleep. Seriously. I took a half day today to watch him (not trying to have KAT piss all over). He’s literally slept all day. He’s to my left right now, just sleeping like he got done running some weird-ass cat marathon.
What has he actually done? Drank some water, ate some food, meowed until I let him on the couch, urinated in the urination box and pooped somewhere not even close to the poop box. So yeah, pretty tough day for KAT.
He also likes to lick my fingers before biting them like a damn tiger cat. We’re working on that.
This is still all pretty new. Am I a cat person? Idk. I have a cat, so I guess. To all of those cat owners (Nick) I’ve given crap to over the years, my bad. I woke up three times last night freaking out because I thought KAT escaped. Nope. Just chilling in the closet like a boss. It’s been like 60 hours with this thing. Why do I like him so much? If he was a human, he’d be the most annoying and lazy human in the world.
On May 3, 2016, I won a contest. But might have lost at the same time.
Then why are you sharing this, Kyle?
Well, imaginary reader. Thanks for asking. I’m sharing this because I want more hits on my website. There I said it.
I participated in a lip-sync battle at work. There were five (maybe six?) other teams involved. What I did not know at the time of the competition as that you could do a group “battle” if you wanted to.
As you can see below, I missed that memo. I meant to share this earlier, but better late than never.
For those ROCORI Spartans out there, this probably looks a little bit familiar. Adam and Brian, let’s get the band back together. But not really because we are 26 and have to pretend to be adults.
Let me know what you think. Unless it’s bad. Then don’t do that.
I ended up winning four Twins tickets, and the person I hit after throwing my jacket 130 miles-per-hour into the crowd is OK.